Happy Father’s Day…from the kids that might not be yours…

Oh man, Maury Povitch is gonna be pissed when he finds out about Identigene. That’s because Identigene is a Do-It-At-Home D.N.A. paternity test. Maury’s whole daytime trash-talk show shtick is pretty much based on providing paternity results to people in the lower evolutionary parts of the United States. How will he pay for Connie Chung’s singing lessons now? Damn you Identigene!

Putting your mind at ease, or making sure that a potential parent acts responsibly has never been more convenient, confidential, affordable or accurate. With the GeneSwab Home DNA Testing Kit you’ll collect DNA specimens from the privacy of your home.

Gathering specimens from the privacy of your own home? Finally a product I can really use! But where can I find my own D.N.A specimens? I washed the laundry already and that stubborn jizz stain I should have saved is gone. What do I do now, Identigene?

Bardot of Gum. Still dead sexy and maybe full of D.N.A.

DNA can be extracted from: Sweaty t-shirts, Undergarments, Semen stains, Vaginal Stains, Paper or plastic cup, Glass, Ear wax, Fingernail clippings, Socks, Urine, Licked stamps, Cheek swabs, Hair with roots, Dried blood, Whole blood, Chewed gum, Dental floss, Cigarette butts, Used tissue, Dried skin, Used razor, Other biological specimens. Place the specimen (s) into an envelope or plastic bag. If the special specimen is moist do not place into a plastic bag until the item has completely dried.

Wow! Finding a special specimen sounds easy, but I’m still not convinced that Identigene is right for me. But I really hate paying child support to my Ex. Especially since I’m sure she was also screwing my best friend, my Dad and that guy who asks for change at the 7-11. Stupid whore…:

“I’m separated from my spouse and have been paying child support for two children for five years. With IDENTIGENE, I was able to do DNA tests on both children. When the results came back, I was devastated. The Paternity Analysis Report read that the probability of paternity was 0% for both children. The court dismissed the child support and freed me of all responsibilities. Thanks again IDENTIGENE” – Pedro Hernandez.

And while Pedro might be happy with Identigene, the test isn’t cheap. The Legal Itentigene D.N.A. test will run you a cool $399. The Discreet Paternity Test (whatever that means) will hump your wallet dry for $645. Knowing who your baby daddy is from the comfort of your own jizz stained couch and cashing those checks for 18 years? Priceless…

Love that Dirty Water…

…or it might also give you boobs. But only if you live in San Francisco, so that’s okay. But man, if you’re lucky enough to live in Philly and have chronic pain, or you’ve been misdiagnosed as, let’s say, bi-polar, throw away your expensive drugs and drink more water. Straight from your faucet. And that’s because the Federal Government has never established acceptable thresholds for drugs found in drinking water :

Officials in Philadelphia said testing there discovered 56 pharmaceuticals or byproducts in treated drinking water, including medicines for pain, infection, high cholesterol, asthma, epilepsy, mental illness and heart problems. Sixty-three pharmaceuticals or byproducts were found in the city’s watersheds.

The frightening results of the massive study conducted by the Associated Press, is exactly why Cherrybomb drinks Vodka. It looks just like water but tastes like fire. And is free of all those nasty extras you mostly didn’t want in the first place. And, although the primary source of water contamination is people, animals are also doing their fair share of drugging up drinking water:

Water sampled downstream of a Nebraska feedlot had steroid levels four times as high as the water taken upstream. Male fathead minnows living in that downstream area had low testosterone levels and small heads.

Relax…it’s a mutated mushroom. What were you thinking…?

Tiny heads? Low testosterone? Man, if I were a guy (and I verra much am not), I would stop drinking water like, yesterday. Even bottled water isn’t safe anymore. Unless you’re drinking Spiritual Water that is. And who doesn’t love the crisp, refreshing taste of Christ in a bottle? Anyways, I digressed a bit there. The mushroom distracted me. While this isn’t the first independent study conducted on drinking water supplies (similar studies have been conducted in Europe and the US for decades), the AP study was the largest and most conclusive yet. The exhaustive study even included feedback from small water providers in each state as well as two providers in both Missouri and Texas:

Arlington, Texas, acknowledged that traces of a pharmaceutical were detected in its drinking water but cited post-9/11 security concerns in refusing to identify the drug. Providers in Emporia, Kansas also refused to answer AP’s questions, citing the same issue.

Anyways, as the title of this post implied, I’m sorry to give you false hope that water can get you high. Guess we’re all gonna have to stick to getting high the old fashioned way. You know, drinking, smoking, snorting, shooting and sex.

Life is good...

David Byrne wants his Boing-Boing unblocked…

…but that’s if you try to log into Vanity Fair’s website while at the Denver Airport. And they pissed off David Byrne in the process. But not because he was reading Vanity Fair. Byrne was trying to get his daily boingboing…:

“Give people some credit,” said David Byrne, founder of the legendary art-rock band Talking Heads, who was blocked from boingboing.net while connecting through Denver to an Aspen workshop last month. “And the more credit you give them, the more they respond. It’s just trusting people’s discretion.”

There are Internet filtering laws in over 20 states (Washington State s not on that list) that apply specifically to Libraries and Schools. Denver is the only airport in the US (that we know about) currently using Internet filters in conjunction with their “free” Wi-Fi service. While the airport can safely be considered a mostly public place, it should also be safe to assume that most people are not going to pull up their favorite porn site while waiting for their plane. While sitting next to you and your kid. People who have to surf for porn, ahem, Vanity Fair articles at the airport do that in the bathroom for five minutes. Quite frankly, we should be more concerned about the content on CNN that is blasted out on the hundreds of TV screens in every terminal. If the goal is to prevent minors from being exposed to adult content that is. And since your laptop or web-enabled phone isn’t really your business anymore, this guy told the Feds they can now open your mail if they want to. Not because they think they need to.

George Bush with his Devil Signs OUT…

Here’s more from the actual bill H.R 6407 that was signed into law in 2006. Yeah, 2006:

“The executive branch shall construe subsection 404(c) of title 39, as enacted by subsection 1010(e) of the Act, which provides for opening of an item of a class of mail otherwise sealed against inspection, in a manner consistent, to the maximum extent permissible, with the need to conduct searches in exigent circumstances, such as to protect human life and safety against hazardous materials, and the need for physical searches specifically authorized by law for foreign intelligence collection.”

Whoa. That was a lot of words. So you know, the word exigent means the same thing as urgent. Only in this case sung like Slayer, not Foreigner. But the following 11 words are the ones you should be most concerned with:

“opening of an item of a class of mail otherwise sealed.”

Because that means your mail. That means the mail you get sent to your PO box. You know, the one you use for your Hustler and New York Times? And the letters from your personal ad in the “Swingers Wanted” section of the Times. Anyways, I think you get my point. Mail is no longer a private matter between you and your Mistress. What you have now is an unwanted threesome with you, your Mistress and the Federal Government. At any rate, this is more of how this administration continues to whack away at The Constitution and our privacy.

Take that us.

Al Gore has “that dream” again…

So by now you might have heard that Ralph Nader will enter the 2008 Presidential election as either an Independent, Third Party candidate or a Green Party candidate. While Nader is exercising his right to run under an alternative Party affiliation, and is well within the August 1st deadline to do so, he may have to pay for it. You might remember Nader decided to sue the DNC for attempting to keep him off the ballot in 18 different states during the 2004 Election. Now, Democrats in Pennsylvania and Lawyers in Pittsburgh have won the support of a judge in Washington to freeze $61,000 of Nader’s assets. And while all that might make you think of Warren Zevon, the amount is what Nader supposedly owes in a lawsuit that was filed by the law firm of Reed Smith on behalf of a group of Penn. State Democrats. The suit claimed that the majority of signatures gathered by Nader to get him on the ballot in Pennsylvania were fraudulent. The suit was upheld by the state supreme court who determined that only 37% of the 51,000 signatures were valid. Nader’s 2004 running mate, Peter Camejo has already settled his part of the suit to the tune of $20,000.

All Cherrybomb can say is John McCain and Mike Huckabee are both pretty happy about Nader’s decision to enter the race. That is reason alone not to be.

Speaking of Mike Huckabee, it’s been a while since I spoke about Mike Huckabee. So let’s talk about Mike Huckabee. On a campaign stop in Colorado Springs on Friday, Huckabee endorsed the Colorado Human Life Amendment. The initiative was introduced by a right-wing group innocently called “Colorado for Equal Rights“. If passed, the amendment would legally define human life as a fertilized egg. In January, Huckabee made more comments about eggs. This time he compared the physical non-existence of WOMD’s in Iraq to eggs. Easter eggs…:

Now everybody can look back and say, ‘Oh, well, we didn’t find the weapons.’ Doesn’t mean they weren’t there. Just because you didn’t find every Easter egg didn’t mean that it wasn’t planted.

Koo-Koo-Ka-Joo indeed, Mike Huckabee. Read the rest of this entry →

Stone and her “lucky” rabbit’s foot at a post-Oscar party

…dead ones. It seems every time I have the misfortune of seeing a photo of Sharon Stone she is draped in some dead animal skin. This week however, Sharon decided to play it safe and showed up at a post-Oscar party wearing a white suit with a white rabbit paw pinned to the lapel. Sharon Stone is a classy lady. I think the only animal Sharon has yet to adorn is a fucking Yeti and that’s because Yeti is in hiding. From Sharon Stone that is…

Sharon Stone in a Fendi fur carpet…

I’m really confused. Isn’t LA warm? Maybe Sharon thinks this monstrosity helps bring out the color in her dead eyes. I mean, everyone knows that the “light” from dead animal souls is really flattering.

Sharon Stone in the blue wrap of death…

Okay, so this (above) has to be fake because I know of no animals with blue fur. On this planet anyway. Perhaps Sharon had the Cookie Monster aced so she could stay warm. Anyways, Cherrybomb thinks wearing any fur is gross but wearing blue fur totally makes you look old. And fat.

Sharon Stone says there is no such thing as too much fur…

Hello! I’m Sharon Stone, actress and former Burger King spokesperson. Here is a photo of me out in LA. As you can see, LA is very cold this time of year. Because the weather in Los Angeles can be so harsh, I have created a checklist for myself so I can be adequately prepared in the event of a winter apocolypse:

Fur coat? Check.

Fur hat? Check.

Fur Scarf? Check.

Fur trimmed handbag? Check.

Security guard posing as “random smiling guy” to protect me from PETA? Check.

Dignity? Chec…wait a minute! That’s a trick question. I’m Sharon Stone. I have no dignity!

Thanks to Dlisted and Go Fug Yourself for the furry linkage.

Hey Mom. Look what I learned in school today…

West Virginia is considering letting children as young as ten have access to “hunter training“ in school. Hunting is a 1.5 billion dollar industry in West Virginia.

To secure a license, residents have to complete at least 10 hours of training and be at least 10 years old when they take the test, which includes demonstrating proper gun safety. Would-be hunters have to show they can load and unload a gun, carry it across obstacles, and keep the muzzle pointed in the right direction. The fee for a license is $33. Sen. Billy Wayne Bailey, who introduced the bill this month, doesn’t envision students firing real guns during class time.

In other good news for West Virginia, Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee won the state’s primary today.