Quentin Tarantino as Brainy Smurf. Image by Cherrybombed.com.

Quentin Tarantino has been cast as the voice of Brainy Smurf in the upcoming CGI Smurf flick, due out sometime in 2011.

Why, why, why, Delilah…? For LP. Photo by RDK.

In a lengthy interview with Britt Rock Magazine Classic Rock, Joe Perry continued to mystify the world of rock ‘n’ roll with his bizarre list of singers who he says could possibly replace Steven Tyler at the helm of Aerosmith. The latest victim is 69 year old Tom Jones. Said (yawn) The Perry:

He’s got a great set of pipes, so why not? I’ve played with him before, and know he could bring something extra to the band. We haven’t approached him yet, but if he were interested that would be great. Imagine the interest Tom would generate.

Last weeks Aerosmith rumor mill also included the horrifying notion that Sammy Hagar might step in while Tyler is on hiatus. As if we all didn’t suffer enough with over a decade of Van Hagar. Oi!

The latest issue of Classic Rock, The Last Days of an American Rock Legend featuring Joe Perry on the cover, is out now.

Joe Perry, future politician? For the L to the P.

Last Thursday, Joe Perry finally got to meet the man he voted for in 2008, Senator John McCain. Perry was performing for the Rock Stars of Science, a conference for an org that works to increase awareness about scientific research and the health sciences. Here’s what The Perry had to say when asked if he might be considering a run for political office

Sure, if I ever find myself in that position, I could see changing things up a little. I’ve been playing rock and roll for a long time now, and if California can have actors for politicians, then maybe the rest of the country can have musicians.

The sad-old-news here is that Joe Perry is a life-long Republican. After meeting McCain, Perry had some inspiring words to say about the Senator. Sez The Perry about Johnny “That One” McCain:

I felt better about politics in general after meeting [McCain. He's a war hero, and they're the most genuine heroes. Anyone who does what [soldiers in combat] do, they’re amazing heroes. Forget about guitar heroes. It’s an overused word.

That coming from a man who used the word “hero” no less than four times just now. Never mind the guitar hero plug.  Anyway, I suppose I’m not really surprised that Joe Perry is considering stepping into the political arena. Aerosmith’s blackout past is old news and Perry’s right winged political affinity would be more than advantageous to the GOP. All I know is this, I see one photo of Joe with the $63,000 dollar woman, Sarah Palin, I’m jumping off a cliff.

Bad for business: when the Band hands the mic the Brand.

I’m sorry Joe. But you should be too. For LP.

Until I hear the ink is dry on this one, I’m going to pretend like I never wrote the title to this post, much less published it. Or saw this video where Joe Fuckin’ Perry lets it slip that the band may release their upcoming record exclusively through Walmart.  Likewise, I’m going to ignore this article in Rolling Stone. Please, Say it Ain’t So Joe! Aren’t the boys from Boston above doing business with a company so fiercely opposed to the Unionization of their workers, that it employs an Anti-Union Rapid Response Team to deal with worker “uprisings”?

Still not convinced the marriage of Aerosmith and Walmart is a shiteous idea? The 9th Circuit Court just gave the green light to a $1.6 million dollar class-action lawsuit, filed by former and soon to be former Walmart employees. The lawsuit cites the company’s consistent practice of underpaying female employees and not promoting females to management positions. Despite the fact that women comprise 72% of the company’s workforce. Walmart is also one of the only major retailers in the country that still does not offer domestic partner benefits. Walmart’s business model should make you cringe  – it’s prices do not care about the cost of putting your Mom and Pop out of business. It’s important not to forget this tradition.

The 100 largest companies in the word are able to control 70% of the worlds trade. Walmart is one of those companies. This year, Walmart was ranked #2 on the Fortune 500 list and the company’s revenue topped $400 billion dollars. This makes it easy for Walmart to employ egregious business practices because it’s just cheaper to pay off workers they abuse, harass, underpay, or lock in the store overnight.

Aerosmith is rock ‘n’ roll and the band has been a musical obsession of mine for as long as I can remember. When I was growing up in Somerville, Massachusetts (jealous?), Aerosmith had a gig space a few blocks from my house. Joe Perry was the type of guy who would throw around a football with us neighborhood kids, even while the band was selling millions of records (during this era, Done With Mirrors and Permanent vacation collectively sold over six million copies ). The always affable Tyler was like your attractive not-too-old Uncle who, while telling you to stay in school, still managed to be that same rock star your mother told you to stay away from. Aerosmith is one of those bands that if they kicked off a massive summer tour tomorrow, without some big label push or new material, they would sell out every 50,000 seat, corporate-owned shithole in Everytown, U.S.A.

So why Walmart, Toxic Twins? Some 37 years later you still have the world by the balls and can do whatever you want, whenever you want. You will always be “The Bad Boys from Boston,” but getting into bed with Walmart could cause that iconic statement to take on a whole new meaning.

Sarah Palin and her spendy spray-on tan. Lookin’ good?

As many of you know, the RNC recently released it’s itemized expendetures list. The list has since come under fire for the obscene amout of money that was spent on a new wardrobe for Sarah Palin (as well as items for members of her family) and her Hollywood makeup artist. Some of the other items that stick out on the list are payments to Tracy Thorp. Thorp’s specialty? Spray on tans. The McCain campaign paid Thorp $1,170 (including travel expenses) to make Sarah Palin look like she’s been in Mexico for a week. I guess we should be happy that Palin decided against traveling with her own tanning bed.

Sammy Hearts Johnny. Yo, Johnny. My eyes are up here. Image by Cherrybombed. For LP and Surly.

When Van Halen requested presidential candidate John McCain stop using their 1991 hit “Right Now” during his campaign stops, it seems the band (thankfully) neglected to ask Sammy Hagar his opinion. In a recent interview, Sammy said he got a call from Eddie Van Halen shortly after VH told the aging Senator to stop using their music without their consent. At least Sammy is pretty sure it was Eddie that called him:

I got a message on my cell phone and it was Eddie’s voice. He goes, ‘Sam? This don’t sound like you. I got the wrong number.’ And he hangs up! So I hit redial. He didn’t answer, but I left a message: ‘Ed, it’s me. If you would like to talk about the ‘Right Now’ situation I’d love to speak to you about it.”

It sounds like poor Eddie’s voice might be drunk-dialing again. Anyway, Sammy went on to say that he didn’t mind that the G.O.P was using Right Now, a song he penned to music Eddie composed. Hagar also said that he was offended when Van Halen agreed to let Right Now be used in Pepsi ads. Which makes sense since Sammy Hagar is a tool. Eventually, Sammy was asked how he would be voting in the upcoming election. Not surprisingly, that’s when Sammy decided to stop having diarrhea of the mouth for once in his life:

I’m keeping my presidential choice private. I vote for the man, not the party.”

Which, by the powers of my dedruncktion means Sammy, is voting for McCain. Yee-Haw.

Thanks to the awesome Metal powers of Blabbermouth for the link.

10 Tans for $35,000. Some restrictions apply. No longer honoring earmarks due to non-paying bidders. Do not bid unless you intend to pay. I will leave negative feedback with your employer.

Gently used tanning bed. Some earmarks. Please see my other auctions. Local pick-up only.

I don’t know what to say here. Should I be angry about the fact that Palin, as Governor of Alaska, can afford 35,000 for a tanning bed or, that Alaskans pay Sarah Palin’s salary. Which means that, theoretically, Alaskan taxpayer money paid for her tanning bed. Who the fuck buys a tanning bed anyway? George Hamilton maybe. Okay, George Hamilton probably requires a tanning bed to live. Luckily, George’s tanning bed doubles as his actual bed making him a true Hollywood vampire. Oh wait…where was I. Oh, yeah…

Really fucking dumbfounded. That’s it.

Mickey Rourke, Father’s Day 2008, Miami.

Please don’t email me letting telling me I put the censored mark in the wrong place. It’s totally in the right place. Trust me.

To see the uncensored version of this photo (and more), click here. Thanks to Michael K and the wickedly funny Dlisted for the Mickey Link.

Chuck and Huck build a Hot Rod for their buddy, Christ…

Man, I miss the good old days of Chuck Norris passing out clam chowder for his pal, Mike Huckabee. The dynamic duo known as Chuckabee, was over before it even began. And while Huck is keeping himself busy with Huck PAC, the Huckabee version of a Political Action Committee (which is really just fancy talk for raising money for the Republican Party), a Chuck-less Huck made me wonder what the hell Chuck Norris has been up to since Huck pulled the Huck and Chuck plug.

Except Cherrybomb knows what Chuck’s been doing. Chuck’s been making a list. He’s been checking it twice. He’s gonna kick your ass if you don’t love Christ. Or roundhouse your ass if you park in a Handicap space…:

Chuck Norris’ Do Not Fuck With Chuck Norris List:

If you look in a mirror and say “Chuck Norris” three times, he will appear and kill your entire family… but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

A Birthday cake from Chuck means your already dead…

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris in his best ass-kicking jeans…

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

On that note, I’m gonna go set fire to my closet. On purpose this time. Because guns don’t kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.

Al Gore has “that dream” again…

So by now you might have heard that Ralph Nader will enter the 2008 Presidential election as either an Independent, Third Party candidate or a Green Party candidate. While Nader is exercising his right to run under an alternative Party affiliation, and is well within the August 1st deadline to do so, he may have to pay for it. You might remember Nader decided to sue the DNC for attempting to keep him off the ballot in 18 different states during the 2004 Election. Now, Democrats in Pennsylvania and Lawyers in Pittsburgh have won the support of a judge in Washington to freeze $61,000 of Nader’s assets. And while all that might make you think of Warren Zevon, the amount is what Nader supposedly owes in a lawsuit that was filed by the law firm of Reed Smith on behalf of a group of Penn. State Democrats. The suit claimed that the majority of signatures gathered by Nader to get him on the ballot in Pennsylvania were fraudulent. The suit was upheld by the state supreme court who determined that only 37% of the 51,000 signatures were valid. Nader’s 2004 running mate, Peter Camejo has already settled his part of the suit to the tune of $20,000.

All Cherrybomb can say is John McCain and Mike Huckabee are both pretty happy about Nader’s decision to enter the race. That is reason alone not to be.

Speaking of Mike Huckabee, it’s been a while since I spoke about Mike Huckabee. So let’s talk about Mike Huckabee. On a campaign stop in Colorado Springs on Friday, Huckabee endorsed the Colorado Human Life Amendment. The initiative was introduced by a right-wing group innocently called “Colorado for Equal Rights“. If passed, the amendment would legally define human life as a fertilized egg. In January, Huckabee made more comments about eggs. This time he compared the physical non-existence of WOMD’s in Iraq to eggs. Easter eggs…:

Now everybody can look back and say, ‘Oh, well, we didn’t find the weapons.’ Doesn’t mean they weren’t there. Just because you didn’t find every Easter egg didn’t mean that it wasn’t planted.

Koo-Koo-Ka-Joo indeed, Mike Huckabee. Read the rest of this entry →

This Mashup is so good I had to post it. I think DJ Zebra did this one of NIN’s “Closer” and The Beatles “Come Together“. Cherrybomb compels you to check it…

In other news, I’m thinking we should all try considering Monday atonement for what we did over the weekend. I’m only trying to take the obvious sting of Monday away for you as I’m sure it hurts. Me? I sleep in Monday through Friday so my pleas are based on popular opinion. Okay…I sleep in Monday through Sunday but dang…it isn’t my fault you have a job to go to tomorrow. But still, don’t be sad, uh…I mean…okay. You have every right to be sad, but trust me. It’s gonna be Friday again real soon. And I base that statement on my own personal experience with Friday. And that’s what counts. Friday makes life worth living. I’m totally sure. Thank you Friday. Sweet, sweet Friday. I love you more each time we meet.

Countdown till then starts now.

When they open their mouths of course. I mean, we’ve had eight years of Bush babble but if Huck is elected, I think we can pretty much expect all State of the Unions to be delivered from an actual pulpit. And unlike Bush, I believe Huck really is part of God’s Army. Let’s roll some clever God Talk from Chuck Norris’s BFF, Mike Huckabee:

“When we become believers, it’s as if we have signed up to be part of God’s Army, to be soldiers for Christ”

Man, and I thought I was only gonna get money for college by joining God’s Army. Sweet.

“I hope we answer the alarm clock and take this nation back for Christ.”

If I had an alarm clock (whatever that is), I would so be throwing it away right now.

“What we need to do is amend the Constitution so it’s in God’s standards rather than try to change God’s standards so it lines up with some contemporary view.”

And everyone knows God has some high-ass standards. I mean, have you ever been inside a church? No? Yeah, me either but I hear they are really clean and shit.

I’m pretty sure there will be duck-hunting in heaven and I can’t wait!”

That one was a campaign promise for the NRA. I knew Heaven was overrated. Now, let’s move on to former BFF of Jesus, George W. Christ Bush:

I don’t see how you can be president at least from my perspective, how you can be president, without a relationship with the Lord.”

Exactly. Bro’s before bitches. Got it…

“I feel like God wants me to run for President. I can’t explain it, but I sense my country is going to need me. Something is going to happen…I know it won’t be easy on me or my family, but God wants me to do it.”

Okay. To be fair on that one, Bush was talking to evangelist James Robinson. Let’s try again…:

“God told me to strike at al Qaeda and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam [Hussein], which I did”

Man…God is gonna be pissed off when he hears he’s getting the blame for that shit…

“I’ve got God’s shoulder to cry on. And I cry a lot. I do a lot of crying in this job.”

Not as much as us pal. Trust me.

“The same moral tradition that defines marriage also teaches that each individual has dignity and value in God’s sight.”

Jesus CHRIST what does that even mean?

Anyways, since I seem to be on a roll here, let’s move to something I like to call “what kind of f*ckin’ thing was that to say?“. Here are a couple of words Bush said these last few weeks:

“I’m sure people view me as a warmonger and I view myself as peacemaker.”

Check.

“You know, women are now very active in the Kuwaiti parliament.”

Check, no wait…if that were true then women would actually be a part of the Kuwaiti parliament. Which they are not now, nor ever have been. Dang, it’s a good thing I don’t trust everything I read. Except for Cherrybombed.com of course.

“I can press when there needs to be pressed. I can hold hands when there needs to be — hold hands.”

I needs a drink. I mean, what is he, a Lolcat?

I got loads of other stuff cooking so stay tuned…