Have you ever wanted to smell like three week old BO, vomit, a broken bass guitar (covered in piss), heroin, stale blood and brill creme? Well you can’t. And that’s because none of those things are in the new” Sex Pistols” perfume just launched by French beauty house Elat Libre D’Orange last month. Who knew black pepper was “defiant” or that prunes were “turbulent”. Well, Johnny Lydon probably knows a few things about prunes but, that’s another matter. All aging-punk-rock-idol-laxative-jokes aside, here’s what a “Sex Pistols” actually smells according to the French POV:
Fresh, restless bite of lemon, sharpened and intensified by defiant black pepper. It’s the unruly turbulence of a prune and an in-your-face ambrette. Electrified by aldehydes, you can feel the pure energy pared down and pumped up by leather, shot through with heliotrope and brought back down to earth by a raunchy patchouli.
I can’t argue with the fact that patchouli actually is pretty raunchy smelling so, I’m sure Sex Pistols is going to be a nose-smashing success. So far, it’s only available atSephora locations with a Euro postal code. Which is far enough away for me.
If you have to mention that your vegeena is clean in your dating site bio, it probably isn’t. It’s also likely that if you can’t actually spell the word Vagina, you might not have one. Clean or otherwise. True story.
The website for Portland, Oregon company, That’s My Face, allows you to modify a photo of yourself (or anyone else’s) and change things like your ethnicity, age, or sex (yes, please). Once you’re happy with the way “your face” looks, you can have it made into way too many creepy things. For $129.99 you can have a 12″ inch action figure made with your face on it(or anyone else’s. Like the chick you’re currently stalking). Of course, if you just want a head with your face on it, for $1,999 you can get a life-size That’s My Face Head.
This 3:30 minutes infomercial is all kinds of wrong. If you make it past the 2:00 mark, the face of the guy from the way too personal, Personal Urn makes an appearance. And I really didn’t want to see him again. True story.
Trick or Drink is not really a question as much as it is a genuine need. Jones Creepy Candy Corn Soda.
Okay, I’d be lying to you right now if I said I didn’t drink any of this little black beverage (which actually looks like Mountain Dew) tonight. I poured a splash of this Candy Corn Soda by Jones in a cold shot of Vodka, and still couldn’t finish it. And I love booze. So much so, I mourn Booze’s passing by any vessel that isn’t my own mouth.
If you want to experience the horror of my mouth right now, which I will assure you is still wildly delicious despite my previous comment, and you don’t have any Jones Candy Corn Soda, just toss a teaspoon of Vanilla extract into a shot of Vodka. The foreboding tombstones printed on the bottom left of the can will then come into play as you’re screaming, “WHY DO YOU HATE ME VANILLA, WHY???!!!”.
While you casuallyopen a beer and simultaneously thank GOD you’re not driving (and not just because you just opened a beer), please be happy knowing you never done drunk that candy-corn-shit-in-a-can in the first place. Not like me and my sad, angry vanilla-flavored mouth. True TRUE! story.
Okay kids, it’s time for another amateur night Halloween and the obligatory “look at these crazy fucking pumpkin’s” post. Anyway, I expect that plenty of you will end your night just like these pumpkins did. Me? I’ll be celebrating quietly with my friends George, Tom and Bub.
Yoders 100% US Smoke Flavored Bacon. $79.98. For K.
With a shelf life in excess of 10 years, this bacon makes a perfect addition to your food storage program and it is great for every day use. Especially useful during Zombie infestation when food isn’t available.
Cherrybombed.com is about the music and culture of the Pacific Northwest, as well as other cool happenings around the world. We also shine a spotlight on celebrities behaving badly. Here, you will find videos, low-brow artwork and images, and tattoos only a mother could hate.
If boozing was an olympic event, we would be on a box of Wheaties. If this all sounds familiar to you (and your mother), welcome home.
