Custom electronic conversations hearts say what you really mean.

And I mean that from the bottom of my cold, black heart. Not because I’m a particularly bitter person but, because Valentines Day is a crappy made up day that makes you spend money on stupid crap or causes you to spend the day feeling like crap, because you don’t have someone to buy stupid crap for.

Make your own electronic conversation hearts at I Heart Despair.com.

The Talking Jesus Doll. $19.95. For Freddy Pants.

Back in 2006, the bible humpers behind The Talking Jesus Doll offered to donate 4,000 of the plastic chatty Christ’s to Toys For Tots. The charity declined the offer.

Click here to listen to the Ken version of God’s only begotten son reading passages from his favorite book.

Wrongfully convicted? Not likely…

I guess spending money on two forever eyebrows was more important than finding a good lawyer. Good job Johnny!

Source.

Tattoo of Nickelback vocalist Chad Kroeger singing into a penis microphone. Yes, really.

This tattoo exists because the owner of the ink job, that depicts Nickelback vocalist Chad Kroeger in his natural habitat singing into a penis, lost a bet. Take that Nickelback. I think…

Source.

Keith Richards gives up booze?

Keith Richards hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol for over four months, according to a  source close to the 67 year old Rolling Stone. Recently Courtney Love said she wanted to compare her liver to Richards as they live “similar lifestyles”. And while that request would be enough for anyone but me to stop boozing, apparently it was band mate Ron Wood’s downwards trip down the hooch-hall-of-shame that caused Keef to stop calling his best friend, Jack Daniels.

More plus photos of Ronnie “I swear I don’t drink anymore” Wood leaving two different bars in London last weekend via Holy Moly.

Thanks!: Dlisted.

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Gardens and Gun. A magazine for people who love to shoot things in a plot of cucumbers.

First, let me answer a few questions you might have regarding the title of this post:

1: Yes, Garden and Gun is a real magazine currently, if not surprisingly, in publication.

2: The equal number of males and females over the age of 48 that subscribe to Garden and Gun have a net worth of nearly $2m (yes, millions). G&G readers have the means – and the motivation to live well! According to a direct quote from the Garden and Gun website.

3: Yes, Garden and Gun is a real magazine. (See #1).

If you’re still not convinced that Garden and Gun is a real magazine, just listen to this testimonial from a G&G subscriber as she describes the feeling she gets when her new issue of Gardens and Gun has arrived at the doorstep of her beautifully restored early 18th century Georgia mansion that once belonged to a plantation owner:

Last night as we walked into the house, my husband grabbed the mail and said” G&G came today.” Elation ran from the top of my head to my toes with a flutter stop in my chest. I heart this magazine. It give the South that I love a voice.

And that voice says “I am a woman (or a refined man) who can shoot anything that wanders into my victory garden in the head with my .38 Special, remove the shrapnel in record time then, fry it up in a pan and serve it for dinner.

This is a magazine for the Enjoli Woman. If you’re not her, then step…

Courtney Love shows off her new flower tattoos via her new Twatter.

Hey, wait! I didn’t even get the chance to scream “HELL NO!”. And come to think of it neither did you for that matter, my bad. Anyway, we can all breathe a sigh of relief because the full-frontal photo of Courtney and her new forever flower friends has been removed from her new UK Twatter page. 

More photos here. Good night and, good luck.

My New Pink Button. Temporary dye for your labia. $29.99.

You might remember a while back I blogged about how you could color your coochie like a M*therf%cking rainbow. Well now, you can dye your labia to match your sweet pink muff.

My New Pink Button is a dye that temporarily restores color to your tunnel of love. The “Bettie” color will make your girlie parts look like your favorite lipstick (!) while the “Audrey” will give your vagina a “bold, burgundy-pink” color.

More via My New Pink Button.com.

Thanks!: RDK.

The Hood Thong by Jeannie Han and Umlaut Brikauski.

Be the first to get your own Hood Thong by submitting your Hood Thong request here. Hood Thong!

Now that’s cheap!

Source.

If you read this blog on a regular basis, you know I love my booze. However, if Mick Jagger told me I couldn’t play guitar for The Rolling Stones unless I peel my pie-hole off the nectar of the Gods, I’d never pick up a guitar bottle again. Lucky for me, my name isn’t Ron Wood.

Anyway, the latest 70’s Rock Band drama is that The Rolling Stones may tour in 2010 without 62 year old guitarist Ron Wood, unless he stops boozing and beating up Russian prostitutes. Ron Wood has been a Stone since 1975 and has been acting like the next celluloid victim of Dr. Drew Pinsky after he dumped his wife last year. The divorce will end up costing Wood over $17 million.

Cherrybomb is a girl and, I’m strictly (Hello, Sailor!) dickly. With that said (and despite the fact that I’m no expert on the subject), I’m completely sure there ain’t no such thing as pussy worth sticking that costs $17,000,000. True story.

Pants on the bus: FAIL!.

Last month I blogged about the fashion DON’T known as Mjolk organic pants. Well, a sharp-eyed Cherrybombed.com reader was on the bus recently and saw this guy sporting a pair of what appear to be knock-off Mjolk’s. Yikes!

Dating site bio: FAIL!

If you have to mention that your vegeena is clean in your dating site bio, it probably isn’t. It’s also likely that if you can’t actually spell the word Vagina, you might not have one. Clean or otherwise. True story.

Link via Reddit.

Official Donny Osmond 2010 Calendar. $14.99. Yes, really.

Dear Donny Osmond,

Okay Donny, it’s true. You’re face does in fact look like a baby’s bottom (not this baby’s bottom, but you get my drift). Your wig hair is perfect and time as we know it has all but ceased to tick away for you. And, if my face/wig/hair looked as good as yours, I would be slapping that shit on a calendar and selling it for $14.99 too.

Anyway, I don’t know what kind of Witchcraft Mormon White Magic! you’re using to maintain your youthful appearance but, I want in. I’m putting on my special issue purple socks now and will await your eminent arrival (via spacecraft I assume).

Love,

Cherrybomb

PS: To buy one of Donny’s calendars, click here.

The Necky. Because you’re too lazy to use a scarf.

For some reason, you must be at least 18 (or completely retarded) to order a Necky.

Thanks!: Jezebel.

Christ in a Can.

And on the third day, Jesus rose again, in accordance with the scriptures and ascended into an aerosol can.

You need what from where…? Are you talking to Moi?

WITCHES! Scientists in the Netherlands (otherwise know as WITCHES!) have created something they like to call “soggy pork” by cultivating pig muscles and “growing” them in a broth (!) of other animal products. If you’re wondering what soggy pork looks like just pull down your pants, click here.

All Porky the Test Tube pig jokes aside, this is excellent news if you care about the ethical treatment of the animals you consume, care about the environmental impact those animals create here on earth, or want to be sure that your local Chili’s never runs out of baby back ribs.

More via the Telegraph UK.

Here’s a hint. If you’re doing something illegal, it is definitely not a fucking Kodak moment.

Eight students from the University of Wisconsin were ticketed following a sting conducted by the La Crosse Police Department using Facebook. The La Crosse PD used a phony profile, complete with a photo of an attractive college age girl, in order to gain access to the students FB profiles. The police were then able to ticket and fine eight students $227 (!) for underage drinking, based on photographs they found in the students Facebook photo albums.

Source.

GPS embedded underwear by Lindelucy.

The Bra and Panties outfitted with a GPS device, designed by Brazilian Lucia Lorio will run you $800 – $1100 bucks. Having piece of mind knowing where you’re “piece” is at all times? Priceless…

Thanks! WOW.

UV Cherry Flavored Vodka.

I would generally be on board with a Cherry flavored bottle of booze. This is not one of those times. As with most other flavored vodka, the alcohol content of UV’s Cherry Vodka has been reduced (!) to 30%. So not only does this vodka not taste good, it won’t get you drunk. Now that’s brutal.