Bill Murray, Gonzo hedonist!

Jesus’s official website, ChristWire, has called for an international boycott of actor Bill Murray. Comparing Murray to historical serial killers like Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacey, ChristWire says that Murray is almost solely responsible for all of societies ills. I mean, I didn’t like Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties either, but I got over it. Anyway, here’s more of what ChristWire had to say about Bob Bill:

Bill Murray is a murderer of lambs, a despicable hedonist who waves the white flag welcoming the end of American moral and economic primacy. He is a harbinger of our death as a culture, the death of that preëminent philosophy of faith married to capitalism that has saved the world countless times from repression and annihilation. Bill Murray is a fatal disease and the sad news we bring you today is that your children have been infected.a murderer of lambs, a despicable hedonist who waves the white flag welcoming the end of American moral and economic primacy. He is a harbinger of our death as a culture, the death of that preëminent philosophy of faith married to capitalism that has saved the world countless times from repression and annihilation. Bill Murray is a fatal disease and the sad news we bring you today is that your children have been infected.

And while ChristWire wants you to be on the lookout for homicidal maniac sheep murderer Bill “Caddyshack” Murray, you should also be concerned that domestic masturbation and sodomy will soon be on the rise due to the recent extension of unemployment benefits! But it’s not all bad news according to the word of Jehovah. And that’s because we finally have FRICKIN’ LASER BEAMS!

Laser Drone Gun! American Fuck Yeah!!! Behold America’s newest phallic weapon of destruction!

Or Laser Drone Guns as they are called by the United States Government. Finally, laser beams that can shoot down spaceships, Bill Murray, or airborne liberals as they attack! But don’t take my word for it. Listen to the word of Christ! Brought to you by ChristWire, naturally…:

Behold American’s might and glory! Today God has blessed America with a new technology, further proving our role as his chosen country to protect all humanity with our leadership, power and loving edicts for all on Earth.

Today God blessed us to build a laser cannon! In the image, you can see this powerful cannon that can shoot down any missile, meteor or even startship that should pose a threat to America or any of our allies.

Any object moving at less than 186,000 miles per second, the scientific speed of light, shall crash and burn before the power of our space laser.

The power of America grows because God grants us the power to defend not only ourselves, but whoever we shall deem worthy. Let us look upon video of our new deployed technology that will further the peace of mankind.

You know, I generally try to steer clear of the bible-humpers, especially when they appear to be hitting the bad shit right out of the cup of Christ but, the folks of ChirstWire had me rolling all over my mini-Buddha alter with their jaw-dropping expose on the newly crowned, greatest threat to America, Bill Murray. And I needed a laugh! Thanks be to God indeed…

Male model sulking down the catwalk for designer Walter Van Beirendonck “Read My Skin” show at Paris Fashion Week

Here’s a look at what no man in his right mind, not even the sparkly ones designer Walter Van Beirendonck (creator of the “Man Shirt” seen here on Cherrybombed.com) thinks the well dressed man will be wearing next summer. And while the words “skirts are in this year” might be terrifying enough for most men, it could be worse. There’s also the frightening potential that the “Smells Like Jesus Spirit” craze that dominated the Men’s 2011 Spring/Summer looks this past week in Paris could catch on.

The Col. of Chicken and The Christ taking a stroll somewhere in Hollyweird. April, 2010.

Finger lickin’ God good!

Thanks! JSOJ.

CHRIST! The belt buckle. Now with 3-D Jesus and 30% more bling! $24.99.

I know what you’re thinking. I love this belt buckle but, what else can I do with it? I’ll let the folks at Fashionista Company give you a few suggestions. And no, “give it to your pimp for Christmas” isn’t one of them:

Wear it to church! Buy two and give one away as a gift! Use as decoration! Stand out in a crowd! No matter where it is displayed, this bright, eye catching Iced Out CHIRST Buckle is a trendy way to express your faith!

More via eCrater.

God ★ Jesus fortune telling robot with crucifix circa 1980ish. By Bandai. For AFJ.

Sadly, God ★ Jesus robot wasn’t a bible quoting mecha-messiah. The toy, made in Japan in the early 1980’s by the Hello Kitty overlords at Bandai, was actually more like a fancy Magic 8 Ball. I’m sure if you asked God ★ Jesus robot if you were going to hell because of what you did Saturday night (I’m talking to you AFJ), he would tell you that “You may rely on it”…

Tom Waits, Chocolate Jesus.

Performed live on the David Letterman Show in 1999.

The Talking Jesus Doll. $19.95. For Freddy Pants.

Back in 2006, the bible humpers behind The Talking Jesus Doll offered to donate 4,000 of the plastic chatty Christ’s to Toys For Tots. The charity declined the offer.

Click here to listen to the Ken version of God’s only begotten son reading passages from his favorite book.

Recommended reading from JC.

If “author” Fred Haley claims are true, Hell is going to be great!

Pastor Kenneth T. Whalum might also like to party.

Finally, something Jesus and I can actually agree on. There’s a first time for everything you know.

Christ was crucified in this tree for you and, for the forgiveness of sin. In other words, you’re good. Jesus took one for the team.

And with a nod to the great Theodor S. Geisel, I’m out.

Thanks to Freddy Pants for the Big Catholic linkage…

Religious potato – Cross Revelation!

While preparing their New Year’s Eve dinner, an Iowa woman found a cross shape inside a baked potato. Naturally, the potato ended up on eBay. As of this writing, the current bid for the Holy Spud is $76.

On Christmas Day (naturally), a police detective in Ohio discovered that his potato was not only loaded with vitamin C (true story) but also bore the distinct image of a crucifix.

Detective Dennis Bort’s Holy Cross potato.

Despite listing his potato on eBay for $1000 (free shipping!), Bort has not received any bids.

The Crucifixion of Gumby. Goddamit…

Thanks!: Ugliest Tattoos.com.

I love to eat fruit! Banana Christ.

Behold the body of Christ. The banana of salvation.

Thanks!: Dlisted.

*Programming update: Posts should be back to regular speed tomorrow. Thanks for digging through the archives while I was on a three day bender enjoying my Horrorday Holiday!

Balloon Christ Crucifixion.

This young ginger Jesus enthusiast gets an A for effort when it comes to her rubber interpretation of Christ’s Crucifixion.

Source.

Santa died for your sins.

Remember, you can’t spell Christmas without the word “Christ”.

On with the body count! God vs. Satan.

Thanks to the Antichrist’s own right-hand man, Freddy Pants for the link.

Crucified Jesus with Crown of Thorns not included. For AFJ or as he’s known at this time of year, Agnostic Fucking Johnny.

Source: BuzzFeed via Alex Blaggazine.

Sacred Heart Catholic Church will see you in Hell.  For Freddy Pants.

If you answered anything else but yes to this big Catholic query, you might be dead. Or already in Hell for lying to Jesus. Because Jesus knows if you’ve good or bad so be good to yourself for goodness sake.

Christ in a Can.

And on the third day, Jesus rose again, in accordance with the scriptures and ascended into an aerosol can.

Zombie Jesus Tattoo.

…but then he came back like an hour later, hungry for your brains. True story.