Doritos Gone Wild! Or, Why Frito-Lay Needs To Go To Rehab…
Editors Note: Hey, DJ Cherrybomb, here. Recently, the very sexy RDK had a life-changing experience with Frito-Lay. It was too bizarre not to share so here we go with the first ever Cherrybombed.com special guest post. Enjoy your snack food while you can because according to RDK, it might be trying to kill you.
Hi, ‘bombed readers. Figger’d you’d be reading this post wondering who I am – just call me RDK – I actually know who DJ Cherrybomb is, and hope to someday sniff her unmentionables. You should be so lucky. I am so lucky, as this is my first post on Cherrybombed. Future, note: greatness, or garbage? Please vote. Somewhere. For something. OK…
Anyway, what the hell happened to Doritos?
- The new pure evil that will accelerate the end of the world. In 2012, there will be 16 flavors to finish humanity off. Trust me.
I don’t know if there is magic in those bags, or if I’m just stoned, but every time I have to wander through an aisle looking for dinner, there’s three more new flavors of Doritos to ponder.
Today, I discovered that there are flavor packets inside the bags – just like Cracker Jacks. You get to open your plastic bag, find another plastic bag inside, which is hermetically sealing yet another bag, the flavor pack itself. So, they’ve managed to triple their landfill factor right there.
There’s a reason they’ve quarantined those bad boys. You know, for the kids, so when they confront adolescence and real “shots” of Jager, they’ll remember the pain and mess, and think twice before they leap. Remember, adulthood is painful and full of plenty of chances to hurt yourself. There are no warning stickers on the things you consume. This bag needs one:
More Doritos insanity in the extended…
The “WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED TO DORITOS?!“ factor really kicks in the moment you unseal one of these unholy poison parcels – the demon dust begins to rise up into your face, onto your shirt, and across your hands as you finally wrestle a huge rip into this new orange cocaine packet. You obediently dump the sodium bomb onto the bag’s friendly looking chip innards, only to realize this dust storm will not rest until you have been completely punished by it.
All this humiliation just for sampling Frito-Lay junk food? Okay, I’m game.
If the sneezing that commences from the wafting spices replacing the oxygen you were breathing isn’t enough, the orange blanket coating your upper body has to be. Clearly, your weakened will and Saturday night sloppy judgment has taken over. Perhaps it was the fog of marijuana that clouded your thinking – but no, that cloud is now in your eyes, causing you to swerve your tricycle dangerously off the sidewalk, assuming you’re not an actual adult, here.
Cheetos has nothing on the cheese-dust-fingers-of-death that have dipped into this latest Frito-Lay snack food. The employees who prepare this stuff must be on worker’s comp. But the flavor is bursting of chemicals that taste so much like cheese, that you’ll lick every last sick morsel off your hands, after downing the whole bag in three minutes. Fuck health. And living much longer.
Now, behold this rich gut-demon’s marketing budget jewels:
Doritos.com – post-human snack hell terrain? WHAT the fuck does this post-apocalyptic landscape have to do with throwing corn chips down my gullet?
Hell. The newest Doritos flavor.
75+ flavors/varieties – note that everything being bought in Japan just makes what we do here pale, in comparison. I’m sure, in due time, there will be a Doritos Schoolgirl Squid Sex flavor. Not a far stretch from some of the other flavors they’re peddling on the streets there. In Japan, there’s no reason to inspect the product idea before it goes out. Here, let this convince you (notice in the photo below the “insert salty cock here” lips dripping with anticipation on the upper left side of the bag…for once, I wish I wasn’t so observant):
Dorito twists with caramel. Thanks, Japan.
This is a real photograph of Frito-Lays scientists inventing new flavors. Note, the lady is on a Segway, dashing off to retrieve another brick of cocaine to keep the workers from pausing.
3Ds – Didn’t they have boobs and some hot chick at the laundra-mat throwing them at you as some sort of incentive? How did that pan out for us? Did the guy/lesbian in marketing who pulled this budget off get fired or promoted?
Cherrybomb sez: Here’s that ad featuring devout Roman Catholic hottie, Ali Landry from Superbowl XXXII.
“Late Night” stoner marketing - They’ve given up, and realized that 96.5% of their sales occur between 2:06 and 4:25 a.m. at most 7-11’s (insert local all-night equivalent here).
FrankenFood – “Whole Corn” has become a product in the ingredients? Make a note to yourself: When a hugely popular source of corn product notes the corn in it is “whole” it should trigger questions in every direction as to how much genetically engineered corn and plastic fillers your pantry is filled with.
OK – weigh in and confess: What’s your favorite junk food? Bonus if it’s an exotic variety of Doritos. Let’s hear from you.
Cherrybomb sez: Per my first hand experience, I know that Steven Tyler once had a hard penchant for Doritos. Look at him now…
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