Birthday Brawl: Joe Perry vs Big Daddy Kane…
Come on…why not? Seriously. WTF NOT?
The Perry vs Kane Cherrybomb Birthday Brawl is on…
Joe Fucking Perry turns 58 today. Don’t block The Perry.
Better Aliases:
Joe Perry: Toxic Twin, Mr. Perry, Joe Fucking Perry.
Big Daddy Kane turns 40 today. Really? 40?
Big Daddy Kane: Dark Gable, Black Caesar, King Asiatic Acrobatic, T.H.E.B.I.G.D.A.D.D.Y.K.A.N.E
Advantage: Kane. I mean, Dark Gable? That is about as smooth as they come. Just like Big Daddy Kane. Although I secretly wish my name sounded as cool as Perry’s with the word “fucking” in the middle of it. Try saying your name with the word “fucking” somewhere in the middle it. Unless your name is Joe Perry it will not sound cool, no matter how loud you say it.
Better Hot Sauce:
Joe Perry’s and his Mango-Tango Hot Sauce. Some of Perry’s Hot Sauces come with their own guitar pick.
Joe Perry: Joe Perry’s Hot Sauce company, Rock Your World Hot Sauces, has been very profitable. So much so that Rock Your World recently decided to branch out into the world of Mac and Cheese.
Big Daddy Kane, Taste of Chocolate, 1990. Mmmm, spicy!
Big Daddy Kane: Big Daddy Kane wrote a song with the words hot sauce in it called Chocolate City. I mean, did you really think that Big Daddy Kane makes hot sauce? Chocolate sauce maybe, but hot sauce. Okay, I was totally hoping that he made chocolate sauce too. Mmmmm. Big Daddy Kane flavored chocolate sauce…:
They know I’m wilder than a dog with hot sauce.
A mic, a stage, a crowd, and I won’t stop:
I set it off and get live like an alarm clock.
Advantage: Perry. Watch for Perry’s Rock ‘n’ Roni Mac & Cheese coming soon. Mmmmmm. Joe Perry-flavored Mac & Cheese. I can die now.
Better Song That Is Probably About Sex:
Joe Perry Project, I Got The Rock and Rolls Again, 1981.
Joe Perry (with The Joe Perry Project): Buzz Buzz
You could lie like a pie on your window sill
Take all the boys for a roll on the hill
Who cares
Pie is used cleverly here as code for pussy. Only a true Perry fan knows the chorus to Buzz Buzz from the stellar I Got The Rock and Rolls Again. Which reminds me that it’s time for pie. Make mine cherry with a side of Joe Perry please.
Big Daddy Kane, sans flat top.
Big Daddy Kane: Smooth Operator
And I make one line, bright as the sunshine
Attack you like Robitussin on a cough
If you know like I know — step off!
Okay, I don’t have any idea what BDK is talking about here. Let’s just assume it’s sexy, shall we?
Advantage: Perry. Pussy beats Robitussin every time. Except after you miss last call on Friday and have to go home and rifle through your fridge, then your liquor cabinet, and THEN the medicine chest just to…uh…what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Pussy beats Robitussin. The End.
Better Political Statement:
Perry: Joe Perry is the name of a Maine Senator, currently running for re-election. Isn’t that crazy? His website is called VOTEJOEPERRY, which I find very misleading. Thank god Senator Joe Perry of Maine is a Democrat.
Don’t look behind you Big Daddy, it’s a TERRORIST! Oh, wait. That’s just Rudy Guiliani. It’s so hard to tell the difference these days.
Kane: In 2003, Kane released “Any Type of Way” and had this to say about Rudy Giuliani. Lyrically speaking of course:
“Giuliani got New York lookin’ like it’s Amistad“
Advantage: Kane. Brooklyn represent and shut ‘em down.
Better Era for Hair, the Then and Now Edition:
Joe Perry and his Toxic Twin hair then.
Damn. I said, God Damn. Joe Perry is the prettiest dude-looks-like-a-lady that I have ever seen in my life.
Joe and his hair now in June 2008 at the Guitar Hero launch.
It might be shorter but it’s still all Joe Perry’s hair. Take that Nickelback.
Big Daddy Kane Hair Then.
Hold still Big Daddy or I’ll make you look like more like Kid than Kane.
Big Daddy Kane and his hair now, channeling his inner Luther.
Whoa. Big Daddy Kane is sporting the sweetest, satin lapels I’ve ever seen in my life. And his hair, while not as tall as it was, makes me want to put on Marvin Gaye and drink a bottle of Courvoisier.
Advantage: Perry. Fro’ beats everything, including braids, except in the case of Joe Perry and his excellent hair.
So today’s Cherrybomb Birthday Brawl goes to Mr. Joe Fucking Perry. Although, this one was tough as I’m a big, Big Daddy Kane fan. But, you just can’t beat The Perry. And don’t ever try to block The Perry. DO NOT BLOCK THE PERRY. Who will be next in the Cherrybomb Birthday Brawl? Look for Nick Cave to go up against Joan Jett later this month. It’s gonna be brutal.
Thanks to LP for the Perry inspiration.
