Find Your Baby Daddy, Without Maury…
Happy Father’s Day…from the kids that might not be yours…
Oh man, Maury Povitch is gonna be pissed when he finds out about Identigene. That’s because Identigene is a Do-It-At-Home D.N.A. paternity test. Maury’s whole daytime trash-talk show shtick is pretty much based on providing paternity results to people in the lower evolutionary parts of the United States. How will he pay for Connie Chung’s singing lessons now? Damn you Identigene!
Putting your mind at ease, or making sure that a potential parent acts responsibly has never been more convenient, confidential, affordable or accurate. With the GeneSwab Home DNA Testing Kit you’ll collect DNA specimens from the privacy of your home.
Gathering specimens from the privacy of your own home? Finally a product I can really use! But where can I find my own D.N.A specimens? I washed the laundry already and that stubborn jizz stain I should have saved is gone. What do I do now, Identigene?
Bardot of Gum. Still dead sexy and maybe full of D.N.A.
DNA can be extracted from: Sweaty t-shirts, Undergarments, Semen stains, Vaginal Stains, Paper or plastic cup, Glass, Ear wax, Fingernail clippings, Socks, Urine, Licked stamps, Cheek swabs, Hair with roots, Dried blood, Whole blood, Chewed gum, Dental floss, Cigarette butts, Used tissue, Dried skin, Used razor, Other biological specimens. Place the specimen (s) into an envelope or plastic bag. If the special specimen is moist do not place into a plastic bag until the item has completely dried.
Wow! Finding a special specimen sounds easy, but I’m still not convinced that Identigene is right for me. But I really hate paying child support to my Ex. Especially since I’m sure she was also screwing my best friend, my Dad and that guy who asks for change at the 7-11. Stupid whore…:
“I’m separated from my spouse and have been paying child support for two children for five years. With IDENTIGENE, I was able to do DNA tests on both children. When the results came back, I was devastated. The Paternity Analysis Report read that the probability of paternity was 0% for both children. The court dismissed the child support and freed me of all responsibilities. Thanks again IDENTIGENE” – Pedro Hernandez.
And while Pedro might be happy with Identigene, the test isn’t cheap. The Legal Itentigene D.N.A. test will run you a cool $399. The Discreet Paternity Test (whatever that means) will hump your wallet dry for $645. Knowing who your baby daddy is from the comfort of your own jizz stained couch and cashing those checks for 18 years? Priceless…
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