Actor/Comedian Hal Sparks. Not Gene Simmons.

WHOA! What happened to Hal Sparks? I say that because Hal used to look like this. And like this when he hosted E!’s Talk Soup. And for the last five years on Showtime’s Queer as Folk. I mean, did he break up with his girlfriend? His boyfriend? Did he recently stop drinking or, did he start drinking at noon. Like two days ago?

Anyways, I’m not sure if Hal knows who he is or where he is from the looks of this photo. But I’m sure of at least one thing. That isn’t a picture of Gene Simmons (above). I mean, I’m not even sure if this is a picture of Gene Simmons. However, the photo below is definitely a picture of Gene Simmons …:

Gene Simmons on the flesh and in a wig. Dear GOD please let that be a wig…

All I know is if you try to look like Gene Simmons on purpose, it damn well better be Halloween.

…except as you might imagine, the right handed that walk among us don’t really like to be funny. Much less wear a witty t-shirt. One of the interesting sites that pops up when you Google conservative shop on a Saturday night is called Metrospy. It’s safe to say I’ve never seen anyone wearing one of these shirts but it’s also safe to say that people who wear shirts from Metrospy don’t run in my crowd. Anyways, let’s start in the Pro-Military category, shall we? Yes we fucking shall…:

This is the Alien Invaders shirt. I’m not sure why this shirt was in the Pro-War section, since I’m pretty sure we’re not at war with Mexico. The caption for the shirt is awesomely bad:

CAPTION READS: “Do you have what it takes to defend America’s borders?”

INVADERS
- Gardener
- Soccer Player
- Pregnant woman with a buncha kids (very dangerous)
- Day laborer peeing in public
- Guy selling fruit by the road

For some reason all I can think of now is Mr. Rogers singing “these are the people in your neighborhood.” I’m just gonna stay in that happy place for now. Next up? Pro-Life slogan t’s:

Caption reads: Guns Don’t Kill People. Abortion Clinics Kill People.

Am I wrong here or is this shirt the wrong color? Yellow makes me mellow, man. A pissed off baby with a gun is strictly black t-shirt material. The yellow background just doesn’t make me want to give a baby a gun so they can go kill a hippie. But enough of the t-shirts, I need more ways to express my conservative side. How about a bumper sticker? It’s the ultimate way to express your inner douche…:

Have you ever been to Jesus Land? I hear it’s just like Disneyland except it’s not fun or anything. And Jesus is just some teenager dressed in a Jesus suit at Jesus Land. It’s such a let-down.

Okay, that’s that for tonight. It’s high GTFO time and that top shelf ain’t gonna drink itself, baby. And just so we’re clear, I don’t want you to buy anything from Metrospy. Even the bumper sticker will make you look fat and stupid. But, it’s a free country. If you’re from Jesus Land, be proud. Put that bumper sticker on your Ford F-150 right next to your “my kid beat up your honor student” bumper sticker.

It makes us easier to spot you…

Ultimate Fighting for Babies!

The bare-knuckle-dragging sport of Ultimate Fighting has come to your kid’s kindergarten class. If you live in Missouri that is. So far, Missouri is the only state that says it’s okay for children as young as six to engage in organized, youth fighting.

The 11 boys and one girl on the team range from 6 to 14 years old and are trained by Rudy Lindsey, a youth wrestling coach and a professional mixed martial arts heavyweight.

In most states the activity would get you a misdemeanor charge. In Oklahoma it’ll get 30 days in the clink. Anyways, don’t tell Tommy Bloomer there’s something wrong with youth fighting. Bloomer’s two kids (ages 11 and 8) are a part of “Garage Boys Fight Crew“. Bloomer says the demented version of Kiddie Fight Club provides positive reinforcement to kids. By teaching them how to defend themselves in the gym, instead of on the streets:

Positive reinforcement by Fight Club…

“We’re not training them for dog fighting,” said Bloomer, a 34-year- old construction contractor. When they get out of the cage, they go back and play video games together. If they get in trouble or get bad grades, I’ll hear about it and they can’t come to training.”

Wow. Training kids to fight in cages? What kind of Pavlovian on-line school did Tommy Bloomer drop out of? Let me be the first person to nominate Tommy for “Father of the Year“. And I hope Tommy wins. Because I’m afraid if he doesn’t win, he might send his 11-year-old kid over to beat my kneecaps off. With his bare hands.

Tramp Stamps R’ Us for toddlers at Toys ‘R’ Us…

In other redneck parenting news, you can now pick up a sweet “Tramp Stamp” temporary tattoo at Toys ‘R’ Us for your little tramp-in-training. Because it’s never too early to start turning your kid into a whored out version of yourself.

Thanks to the Red Davey Kid and Breitbart for the ultimate linkage…

Nipple ring removal with pliers. The old fashioned way…

Mandi Hamlin, the woman who was forced to remove her nipple ring with pliers at Lubbock Preston Smith International Airport in Texas, has engaged the legal council of celebrity attorney Gloria Allred. Hamlin, who has both nipples pierced, said that she was forced to remove both piercings behind a curtain at one of the security gates at Lubbock. One of her piercings had to be removed with pliers after the male TSA agents refused to let Hamlin board the plane until she removed all of her jewelry.

Hamlin and Allred are demanding an apology from the TSA:

“I wouldn’t wish this experience upon anyone,” said Hamlin, 37, said at a news conference in Los Angeles. “My experience with TSA was a nightmare I had to endure. No one deserves to be treated this way.”

Pliers? What in the name of Janet Jackson was this chick wearing? Anyways, TSA spokeswhore Dwayne Baird had this to say in response to Hamlin’s nipple debacle at Lubbock:

“If an alarm does sound, “until that is resolved, we’re not going to let them go through the checkpoint, no matter what they’re wearing or where they’re wearing it.

I’d be really curious to know what this woman had in her nipples,” he said. “Sometimes they have a chain between their nipples, or a chain between their nipples and their belly button. It would have to be made of heavy metal to be detected.”

Jane Child circa 1990 nose-ring chain madness. Still making music for some reason…

Man, someone needs to tell Dwayne that nobody does the piercing/chain thing anymore. Except maybe Jane Child (90’s flashback photo above). At any rate, Cherrybomb smells TSA bullshit. Besides, when was the last time your nipple or cock ring set off the metal detectors at the airport? I mean, even Tommy Lee has to fly. So why are we still waiting for the “Tommy Lee Forced to Remove his triple chrome cock & ball ring” at LAX news story?

Rikki Rockett cuffed and stuffed at LAX

In other weird maybe take the train next time, Poison drummer Rikki Rockett was arrested at LAX on a rape warrant on Monday. The warrant, issued from Mississippi, was served as Rockett returned from the Rock2Wellington Festival in New Zealand. I guess the song #1 Bad Boy wasn’t about Brett Michaels afterall. Yikes.

Thanks to G for the nipple-link…

Steven Tyler turns 60 today. Loses pants…

Wow. 60? That’s crazy. I guess. Okay, maybe it’s not that crazy, since Tyler was born today in 1948 in Harlem, New York. Anyways, the original Cherrybomb birthday ode to Tyler fell victim to this week’s hosting crash, so this entry was re-created using the fragmented, swimming-for-it’s-life piece of Cherrybomb’s final brain cell. Lucky for Cherrybomb, said brain cell has the uncanny ability to tread water. It also happens to be the very same brain cell that contains all my information on Steven Tyler. Phew…

Baddest “What the f*$? did he say” Tyler Vocal:

Draw the Line (Draw the Line – 1977)

If you asked me right now what my favorite Aerosmith record is, I would tell you Draw the Line. In general, if someone asks you that question, your answer should always be “Rocks” (1976). While Tyler’s vocals are completely unmistakable, they are also, at times, unintelligible. Which is pure rock and roll. Besides, I really don’t want to know what he’s saying. And that’s because it would mess up all the lyrics I made up myself, because I couldn’t understand Tyler’s vocals in the first place. For example, the last 60 seconds of Draw might be filled with these words:

Jet Set Babe. Say Goodnight, take another pill

You say, that’s impossible….right?

When you dance-dance, you’re the balls when you dance, da-dance-da-dance-dance-dance-dance. Cheeta-cheeta…

When you’re drawin’ the line

Of course, the actual lyrics are way more awesome than that. The Tyler/Perry song writing duo is deadly good. I mean, nobody writes songs using the words “vaccinate your ass with a phonograph needle.” Except Steven Tyler.

Weirdest Tyler Rehab Rumor:

When the rest of Aerosmith and a bunch of Tyler’s friends staged an intervention for the singer in 1986, Tyler looked at Joe Perry and screamed “WHAT ABOUT YOU???” And while it looks like Tyler was taking a heroin-nap on Perry (above), Joe was pretty fucked-up back then, too.

Anyways, my favorite Tyler-rehab rumor comes about three years later. I was producing the mid-day show at a radio station in Boston. The band were regulars at the station. Pump had just come out, and the band was officially back in the saddle. One day, I was cracking to the DJ I worked for that I had finally worked up the nerve to donate to the infamous Aerosmith Wall of Shame*. The then-legendary jock turned to an 18-year-old Cherrybomb and said “you’re too old for him now”. He then went on to explain that Tyler was in “treatment” for his addiction to young girls. Apparently, his wife at the time, Teresa Barrick (who made Tyler’s clothes during the late 80’s and into the 90’s), had caught him more than once with more than one of their babysitters. For the record, I’ve never met a guy without that addiction. But all bets are off when it’s your man I guess.

*Editors note: The Wall of Shame was a wall in the various Aerosmith rehearsal spaces in Boston, filled with women’s underwear. Cherrybomb was asked to donate to the wall in 1988 but refused at the time because she wasn’t wearing any underwear. Despite my lack of undie generosity, Tyler was nice enough to sign the t-shirt below for Cherrybomb. Which I was not wearing at the time. But I totally wish I was.

Cherrybomb’s Steven Tyler Brut 66 mens t-shirt

Craziest Aerosmith Concert Moment:

In 1985, Aerosmith played a show at The Manning Bowl in Lynn, Massachusetts with Foghat and another Boston band, Farenheit. It was Joe Perry’s birthday. About 20 of us made the trek to Lynn that day. It was a typical, hot, Indian Summer day in New England – perfect for a beer-filled, outdoor show. However, none of us were prepared for the scene when we arrived at the Bowl.

The 20,000-seat, football field was overrun with people, a lot of them bikers and local Lynn thug-types. There was an especially large showing from one of the local motorcycle gangs, called the Rumpot. Since the show was all General Admission, and we all happened to be between the ages of 15 and 20, we brazenly pushed our way into the crowd when Foghat hit the stage. What happened after that, and how we all got out of there, is still a mystery to Cherrybomb…

Aerosmith Manning Bowl t-shirt – 1985.

When Aerosmith finally hit the stage, a couple of 1/2-naked metal chicks decided to push beyond a thick row of bikers. About two minutes later, one of them was dragged back by her hair, covered in blood by the biggest biker I have never wanted to see in my life. The crowd, hot and agitated by Foghat’s way-too-long set, was surging forward toward the stage. People were being dragged over the stage barrier in various stages of injury and unconsciousness. Nobody was sitting in the stands, and the crowd of about 20,000 were all on the field.

I’ll never forget the look of fear on Tyler’s face as he implored the crowd to move back or they would have to stop playing. This rationale only made the crowd angrier and Tyler and the bad boys from Boston pulled the plug after about an hour or so after taking the stage.

Steven Tallarico in his birthday suit. Age 13.

At any rate, Aerosmith remains a favorite of Cherrybomb’s to this day. Tyler’s vocals get me right in the nuts every time. And even at the age of 60, Tyler hasn’t changed much. And that’s cool, because, let’s face it – we’re all gonna get old. Choosing how to get there is completely up to us. And that means we never really have to grow up. That 13 year old kid named Steven Tallarico never did. And Cherrybomb isn’t planning on growing up, either.

Take that Nickelback…

Some Dr. Pepper with that Jim Beam? Not this year…

The folks behind Dr. Pepper have said that if Axl Rose releases Chinese Democracy anytime in 2008, everyone in America will get a free can of Dr. Pepper. Except for Slash and Buckethead. But why harsh on Buckethead, Dr. Pepper? Isn’t it enough that he wears a bucket on his head and he’s a complete douchebag? No? Right. I agree with you Dr. Pepper. Even though you taste like fizzy cough syrup that won’t give me a buzz, fuck Buckethead. Let him buy his own refreshing beverage. Here’s some of the crazy-ass press release from Axl’s #1 fans over at Dr. Pepper…:

“We completely understand and empathize with Axl’s quest for perfection — for something more than the average album. We know once it’s released, people will refer to it as ‘Dr Pepper for the ears’ because it will be such a refreshing blend of rich, bold sounds – an instant classic.”

Rich, bold sounds? An instant classic? How drunk was everyone at this marketing meeting? Was everyone popping Jäger shots in their coffee? Anyways, it’s a pretty safe bet that Dr. Pepper won’t be giving away any Dr. Pepper this year. How about just giving Axl a Dr. Pepper in exchange for his assurance that Chinese Democrazy is really never coming out. That’ll work for me.

Thanks to Billbored (no that’s not a typo) for the link…

Punishment Park – Peter Watkins 1971

Punishment Park is an eerie faux-doc that pits a group of of left-wing, freedom-fighting devotee’s against a Government gone wild. The 37-year-old film was shot on 16mm in the deserts of California, giving it a terrifying Blair Witch meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre, all-hope-is-lost feel. And despite the fact that is was made in 1971, it’s easy to draw multiple parallels from the films storyline to current events. Such as the modern state of surveillance and data collection of US citizens by the government.

10 Years in the Federal Pen or 72 hours in Punishment Park? The choice is yours…

The movie was inspired by outrage at the Internal Security Act of 1950. It fictionally depicts a secret group of renegade government officials who systematically abduct citizens they have identified as “risks to internal security“. They interrogate them violently and then give them two options for atonement; doing big time in the Federal Pen or, spending 72 hours in “Punishment Park.” The problem with the Punishment Park option is that it’s located in the middle of the desert, there’s no shelter and the hippie-hating cops are armed to the teats. One of the more poignant moments of the film comes when one of the captives states that, while it might have once been honorable and right to be a Policeman or a President, the honorable thing to be now was a criminal.

Punishment Park or yesterday somewhere too close to home…?

Catch Punishment Park in the middle and you might think what you’re watching is real. Punishment Park is gripping and impossible to look away from, just like that car crash you passed on your way out of Vegas. Although Cherrybomb must admit, midway through the movie, I got up to make sure all the doors and windows were locked. Then I checked my iPhone and my laptop for bugs, spy-ware and listening devices. Then, after the movie, I hid under the bed for an hour as I was convinced the Feds were coming through the door at any minute. Then I cried myself to sleep. Okay, I admit that crying myself to sleep isn’t anything new for me. With that said, even though the film will scare the liberal shit out of you, Punishment Park deserves a place in your Netflicks queue.

Just don’t watch it alone.

Wendy O does her best Godzilla impression

Man…it’s been a hard couple of days here at Cherrybombed.com. The server’s been down, I lost some content, and I’m out of Vodka. Let’s start the weekend already. Fuck it…

Tuesday, March 25th:

Cancer Rising
Grayskul
Rendezvoux
Cancer Rising are playing Sasquatch this year. It’s only March, and 2008 is truckin’ right along for Gatsby and the boys of Cancer Rising. Just likes it should…

Thursday, March 27th:

Hate issue #23 – Peter Bagge – Fantagraphics

Comic Forum – Frye Art Museum – Fry Auditorium
Peter Bagge was the managing editor for R. Crumb’s classic comic, Weirdo before launching his own comic, Neat Stuff. And as excellent as all that stuff is, Bagge is also the creator of Hate comics (above) which, unless you lived in a cave on the mountains during the 90’s you are very much aware of. Ellen Forney and Jim Woodring are also part of the forum. Woodring is married to Dianna Young-Blanchard of the awesome DT’s and occasionally does posters for the band. Those things are definitely worth collecting.

Neil Doherty – Space Needle Eclipse

In other eye candy news, local photographer and artist, Neil Doherty, is showing some of his gorgeous B&W’s at Marcus’s Martini Heaven in Pioneer Square. The photos were taken between 2003 and 2008 in Belgrade, Amsterdam, Serbia, Bosnia, the US and Canada. Doherty really gets around. But I think Doherty sums what he does best with this statement from his show bio:

With my photography, I enjoy viewing life from the uncommon.

Get out and support the local-local.

H is for Hellgate
The Sunset
Look for a new record from H is for Hellgate soon.

Friday, March 28th:

Macklemore
Vera

Saturday March 29th:

The Whore Moans – Neumo’s 2.29.08 – Photo by Cherrybomb

Iceage Cobra
Whore Moans
Tennis Pro (record release)
King Cobra

Looking Ahead:

Lou Reed circa 1970-awesome

Lou Reed’s Spring Tour kicks off on April 20th in Northhampton, Massachusetts. Reed follows up his stop in Mass with a bunch of dates in NY, Knoxsville and Nashville. Then it’s off to UK for the summer. Lou turned 66 this month but he doesn’t let a little thing like Social Security slow him down. Take that David Bowie.

Robert Plant and his peace dove. And his excellent pants…

Robert Plant and Allison Krauss will play a couple of dates together in Louisville and Knoxville starting on April 19th before they travel up North to play the B of A Pavilion in Boston. Krauss performs some Zep covers during the live sets. And that’s no small deal. Covering Zep is either going to go incredible well or horribly wrong. And sometimes you might get lucky and make that song your own like Johnny did with Hurt. And like Krauss’ does when she covers Zep’s “When the Levee Breaks“. Plant’s prowess on stage remains unmatched and he has never stopped releasing music (good music) over the 20+ years following the breakup of Led Zeppelin. The Plant/Krauss tour runs through June. The tour’s isn’t hitting your city (it misses Seattle too, don’t feel bad)? Check your cable listings for a live performance from the pair running on MHD, the new HD music channel that actually plays uh, music.

Happy Chichester and his Happy Hat…

Happy Chichester and RJD2 will be at Chop Suey on Saturday April 12th. Happy Chichester’s tune Shadows Remember the Day has the same feel as Radiohead’s, In Rainbows. Dreamy and melodic. No wonder Chichester has written songs that were recorded by The Afghan Whigs and Shawn Smith.

Puppetry of the Penis. April 29 – May 4th Act Theatre

Cherrybomb took in POTP a couple years back and based on her experience, gives you this advice. If you like to laugh to the point of crying, go see Puppetry of the Penis. If you like watching something while you clasp your hands across your face in some half-assed attempt to NOT see something, go see Puppetry of the Penis (by the way, you’re not fooling anyone with the hands on eyes thing). Finally, if you like seeing Penis’s being bent and twisted so they look like hairy-dick-pretzels, go see Puppetry of the Penis. Penis.

Galactic really does play that funky music…

Finally, Galactic is back in Seattle at The Tractor Tavern on Saturday May 17th. Last time Galactic funked their way through Seattle it was with Chali 2Na of Jurassic Five. This time around Galactic will funk it up with Stanton Moore and the Jazzy hands of Will Bernard and Wil Blades.

Now Get The Fuck Out already…

Someone get this baby batter off my head. It’s ALIVE.

Wait…strike the words “might be” and replace them with the word “Is“. Anyways, Pat, the ever evangelical Christian, had this to say when he dissected Barak Obama’s speech on his blog last week. The blog entry was aptly titled “A Brief for Whitey“…:

First, America has been the best country on earth for black folks. It was here that 600,000 black people, brought from Africa in slave ships, grew into a community of 40 million, were introduced to Christian salvation, and reached the greatest levels of freedom and prosperity blacks have ever known.

Wow…uh…I think there are about 40,000,000 people that will disagree with that statement. And reading that Buchana-crap made Cherrybomb’s head hurt. Without all the fun-getting-drunk-stuff you do to make your head hurt on purpose. And that makes Hulk angry…

Pat reflects on the fact that he’s a complete douche…

HULK MAD!

…I mean, if Hulk is mad, that makes Cherrybomb mad. And if that wasn’t enough, the cherrybombed.com server was down yesterday (many thanks to CB’s own Nathan Explosion for getting us back on-line. I love you even though you’re twice removed. Call me). The CB server being down gave me way too much time to think about all the anagrams you can make with Patrick James Buchanan’s name. Nasty anagrams. Here’s what Cherrybomb came up with.

Patrick James Buchanan. 20 letters. Eight hours. Let’s go…:

Cocksucker
Prick
Shitbrain

Ahhh. That felt better. But sadly, Pat wasn’t done with his hateful blog blah-blah. Here’s more from Buchanan’s official blog called, Right From The Beginning…:

What is wrong with Barack’s prognosis and Barack’s cure? Only this. It is the same old con, the same old shakedown that black hustlers have been running since the Kerner Commission blamed the riots in Harlem, Watts, Newark, Detroit and a hundred other cities on, as Nixon put it, “everybody but the rioters themselves.”

Pat pretending to be President…again…

Occasionally, it makes me sick what the words “Freedom of Speech” affords people like PJB. But it did help me come up with more anagrams for Patrick James Buchanan…:

Racist
Insane
Cunt

Whoa! That almost sounded like one word. Harsh, Cherrybomb. But, okay…you’re right. Let’s go out on a high note. Here are some classy words you can spell with Patrick James Buchanan’s name:

Obtuse
Cretinous
Recusant
Anus

Okay. You don’t need you to tell me that anus is not a classy word. But you can still spell it with all the letters in Patrick James Buchanan’s name. And, let’s face it, anus is a pretty good way to describe Patrick James Buchanan.

Besides, being classy is totally overrated. Take that, Nickelback.

A clip from the brutally awesome Metalocalypse…

I love Metalocalypse. Two years ago, Metalocalypse, the animated, mostly fictional story about the world’s greatest Metal band, had the highest debut in Adult Swim history. However on Friday night, as I was yet again raiding the choice liquor cabinet of two of Team Cherrybomb’s highest ranking members, I talked up some hip Robot Chicken-watching people who still hadn’t seen Metalocalypse.

This revelation made me think there might be other Metalocalypse virgins out there. Normally, I might kill a virgin over such insolence, but lucky for you (yeah, you), I’m feeling generously full of Belvedere tonight. Which means I’m drunk as hell, and I feel like talking. Besides, blogging is more fun than drunk-dialing your ex on a Saturday night. Unless that 2:00 AM “what are you doin’?” chat gets you laid. In that case, carry the fuck on.

And now, back to the story of Dethklok according to Cherrybomb, already in progress…:

Dethklok is the greatest and most popular Death Metal band in the world. Fans routinely lose limbs, or die at every show they play. An evil Dr. Strangelove-like group called the Tribunal maintains secret control of the band in order to avoid bizarre, apocalyptic-type events, unwittingly caused by the band’s activities. The members of Dethklok are also complete alcoholics.

Dethklok loves Gibsons…doesn’t everybody…?

Dethklok writes songs that reflect every day life, like “Briefcase Full of Guts,” “Kill You,” “Castratikron” and “Face Fisted”. “Fansong” pays homage to the mindless, mutant fans of Dethklok. Brutal…:

Dethklok – Fansong
You hunched and blinded mutants
Living in chat rooms
You masturbate on the sheets
Your mothers clean for you

You have lined my pockets
Overflowed with gold
You’re living with your parents
And you’re 35 years old

Dethklok L2R: William Murderface, brutal bass; Skwisgaar Skwigelf, the world’s fastest guitarist; Nathan Explosion, brutal vox; Pickles the Drummer; Toki Wartooth, the second fastest guitarist in the world…

Metalocalypse is the brainchild of Brendon Small (whose voice is heard on almost every show on Adult Swim), and Tommy Blacha (brilliant writer for Da Ali G Show). The first season of Metalocalypse is out now, on DVD. Highlights from the first season include voice and guitar work from Seattle band Nevermore. Don’t have cable? Check out full episodes of Metalocalypse here.

And I recommend you do. Especially if you like these three things; Metal and blood. And Metal. Look for new episodes of Metalocalypse to premiere on May 18th on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim. Season Two re-runs of Metalocalypse start on April 6th.

By the powers of the scrotum of a wizard, and the testicle blood that flows from it, Metalocalypse is the greatest thing to happen to Metal since Kerry King. Take that, Nickelback...

Left to Right: Hunter S. Thompson, Dwyane Wade, Sid, and MIA love their Chucks…?

Converse is getting ready to celebrate 100 years of iconic shoe making with the launch of their new ad campaign, Connectivity.

“Converse is the footwear company that was first in sports and first in rock ‘n’ roll, says Geoff Cottrill, Chief Marketing Officer for Converse. We are extremely proud of our history and excited about our journey into the next century.”

And while Dwane and MIA are very much not dead, Thompson, Sid, Kurt Cobain (who’s image was sanctioned by Courtney Love) and Ian Curtis of Joy Division, very much are. And while Cherrybomb is a part of the cult of Chuck, it’s becoming increasingly hard to be proud of yet another piece of Americana now made in China. Instead of pouring all that cash into advertising their 100 year old Chinese kicks, why not “stimulate” our own economy by bringing more of Chucks billion-dollar shoe store back to the US – it’s rightful home.

Pro-Life wants your baby and your vote…

A strawberry farmer turned Senate candidate has legally changed his name to “Pro-Life”. Pro-Life, formerly known as Marvin Pro-Life Richardson, hopes to replace outgoing Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho).

“I think it’s just and I think it’s proper to have Pro-Life on the ballot,” says Pro-Life. “If I save one baby’s life, it’s worth it.”

Pro-Life advocates murder charges for doctors who perform abortions. He also says that the women who undergo the procedure itself should also be charged with murder. But since Pro-Life is also a complete moron, his tactics may end up working against him:

David Ripley, executive director of Idaho Chooses Life, says he fears some voters may think Pro-Life is a position rather than a candidate and mistakenly mark their ballots both for him and for another anti-abortion candidate for the Senate, thus nullifying their choices.

Strawberries…a Conservative fruit…who knew?

Man, what is in the strawberries in Idaho? I mean, Pro-Life makes Mike Huckabee look like Dennis Kucinich. Anyways, it’s not surprising since Idaho is about as red as Cherrybomb’s bloodshot eyes this morning. Idaho’s state legislature is almost purely Republican. However, Idaho would still like you to believe that Idaho is a great place to raise a family. Just as long as you’re not gay, you carry a gun, and get to church on time. You should also probably be white and like to have lots of babies regardless of your situation. But what do I know. I never go to Idaho anymore. And I hate strawberries.

Stupid red fruit…

Wendy O? Check. Electrical tape? Check. Ready to GTFO…?

…check. Okay people. This weekend starts tomorrowday. Which might be today-today if you’re reading this on Wednesday-Day. You know…Get The Fuck Out Day…?

Now let’s roll…:

Wednesday, March 19th:

The Rippers (Italy)
The Funhouse
Garage from Italy? Yes, please. The Rippers sound is pure 60’s Garage. It’s also worth a trip out on a Wednesday just to hear The Rippers blast out a cover of Jerry & The Others, Don’t Cry to Me. For more Garage shaking rawk and roll, check out The Rippers label, Shake Your Ass Records. SYA is based in Italy and has got one impressive catalog that throttles through nearly every cool musically genre. Check out The Mojomatics or the awesome Jack O’ Fire (JOF also has a bunch of Estrus ear worthy releases). JOF’s record, Forever (from 1996) will make you flip your Hillbilly lid.

Thursday, March 20th:

The Valley
The Sunset

Friday March 21:

Dylan gets plugged in at The Newport Folk Festival

The Other Side of the Mirror: Bob Dylan Live at the Newport Folk Festival (1963-1965)
NW Film Forum
Even if you know the true story behind Dylan’s performance at the Newport Folk Festival in 1965, most of the footage in this flick will be new to your eyes. The moment Johnny Cash takes the stage and performs his own version of Dylan’s Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright, is magical. Johnny went on to record that song as well as two other Dylan covers later that year on his 17th record, Orange Blossom Special.

Citizen Cope
Moore Theater
Citizen Cope has got a way with words. Then he takes those words and wraps them around beautiful, soulful music. And since I have Dylan on my mind, Cope (aka Clarence Greenwood) does an amazing rendition of Dylan’s Simple Twist of Fate that will kill you, softly. Busy on Friday like Cherrybomb? Citizen Cope is also at the Moore on Saturday.

Saturday, March 22nd:

Shawn Smith
King Cobra

Looking Ahead:

Jonathan the Impaler

Impaler is a biopic about Jonathan Sharkey. You know, the Satanic Vampire who ran for Governor of Minnesota in 2006? Anyways, while not running for Government office, Jonathon enjoys spending his time as a Satanic Dark Priest, Sanguinarian Vampyre and a Hecate Witch. This doc covers that in all it’s satanic majesty. Impaler is at the Central Cinema on Thursday, March 27 (presented by STIFF)

The Dollyrots hit Seattle on April 22nd at El Corazon. The Dollyrots do an awesome cover of Zodiac Mindwarp’s, There’s a Barbarian in the Back of My Car (get it on Snake Oil Supercharm, a trib to the awesome Zodiac Mindwarp). A mere three days later, The Relays, the excellent Who trib, will be at the Tractor Tavern on Friday, April 25th. Jim Fergusun (or Roger Daltry) looks exactly like Daltry when it comes to his pants and hair.

Duran Duran and their hair, circa 1980-ish

Speaking of hair, Duran Duran will be at the WaMu Theater April 30. I love Duran Duran. But I’m not sure who is singing for them theses days. It can’t be Simon Le Bon. Because Simon Le Bon looks like this. Not like this. Anyways, they say it’s Simon Le Bon so I guess it’s Simon Le Bon. Even though the dude singing for them now looks like someone other than Simon Le Bon. Besides, Cherrybomb was always more of an Andy Taylor girl. And even though Taylor does not appear on this record and isn’t touring with the band, Simon Le Bon is still with the band. Take that Nickelback. Pre-sales for May 2008 gigs in Philly, Boston and NY started on March 17th while you were busy getting drunk.

Throw Rag – watch out, the punk rock circus is coming to Seattle…

Throw Rag is back in Seattle at King Cobra on Saturday, May 24th. A Throw Rag show is like a circus. Only with guitars, tattoos and loincloths. The band hasn’t played together very much in the last couple of years so if you like the circus, guitars and loincloths, you should be at the KC that night.

Joey Belladonna cries for the Indians…

Lastly, Joey Belladonna, former vocalist for Anthrax, will be at Studio Seven on Friday, April 18th. Joey’s former band mate Charlie Benante makes his own coffee now ’cause drummers gotta eat, ya’ know. Anyways, if you like your coffee with a little Anthrax (and who doesn’t?), sign up for monthly Charlie Coffee and get a free autographed Charlie Benante drum stick.

Now grab your drumsticks and GTFO already…

The 2010 Pontiac El Camino G8 Sport Truck

The folks at Pontiac have officially lost their minds. Because nothing could convince me that the picture above is in any way, an El Camino. Pontiac’s redux of the mythical El Camino is the latest in the ongoing bastardization of cars that were once cool. It also one-up’s Fords uncool assault on the Shelby this year.

Due out in 2010, it’s the first time since 1987 that the El Camino has been manufactured. Why does every car manufactured these days have to look 50 cents short of a Toyota Camry? And while I definitely don’t mean to imply that Pontiac has actually manufactured an El Camino, you might be asking Cherrybomb “why is the 2008 El Camino not really an El Camino?”

Because this, is an El Camino:


The Real Deal – 1970 El Camino SS

It’s rumored that a 1972 El Camino owned by Frank Sinatra sold at an East Coast auction for $50K. Mint vintage generations of the El Camino routinely sell in upwards of $25K. Cherrybomb’s friend, Frankie Laughing Gas drove a 1970’s purple El Camino. Until he crashed it into a wall while a young Cherrybomb sat in the back seat.

Those were good times.

Anyways, all I know is two things: Pontiac didn’t make no El Camino. And if Mustang decides to regurgitate a version of the 1971 Mach 1, I’m calling Frankie Laughing Gas and we’re driving into that wall again. Oh wait…they did that in 2003.

Better call Frankie.

*Editors Note: In regards to the author’s comments about the 2008 Mustang Sheby, the author is aware that the 2008 Shelby redesign was based more on the 1968 Shelby model and not the 1967 Shelby provided in this link. But that still makes the 2008 Shelby fat, and ugly. Like your mother. *

Happy Father’s Day…from the kids that might not be yours…

Oh man, Maury Povitch is gonna be pissed when he finds out about Identigene. That’s because Identigene is a Do-It-At-Home D.N.A. paternity test. Maury’s whole daytime trash-talk show shtick is pretty much based on providing paternity results to people in the lower evolutionary parts of the United States. How will he pay for Connie Chung’s singing lessons now? Damn you Identigene!

Putting your mind at ease, or making sure that a potential parent acts responsibly has never been more convenient, confidential, affordable or accurate. With the GeneSwab Home DNA Testing Kit you’ll collect DNA specimens from the privacy of your home.

Gathering specimens from the privacy of your own home? Finally a product I can really use! But where can I find my own D.N.A specimens? I washed the laundry already and that stubborn jizz stain I should have saved is gone. What do I do now, Identigene?

Bardot of Gum. Still dead sexy and maybe full of D.N.A.

DNA can be extracted from: Sweaty t-shirts, Undergarments, Semen stains, Vaginal Stains, Paper or plastic cup, Glass, Ear wax, Fingernail clippings, Socks, Urine, Licked stamps, Cheek swabs, Hair with roots, Dried blood, Whole blood, Chewed gum, Dental floss, Cigarette butts, Used tissue, Dried skin, Used razor, Other biological specimens. Place the specimen (s) into an envelope or plastic bag. If the special specimen is moist do not place into a plastic bag until the item has completely dried.

Wow! Finding a special specimen sounds easy, but I’m still not convinced that Identigene is right for me. But I really hate paying child support to my Ex. Especially since I’m sure she was also screwing my best friend, my Dad and that guy who asks for change at the 7-11. Stupid whore…:

“I’m separated from my spouse and have been paying child support for two children for five years. With IDENTIGENE, I was able to do DNA tests on both children. When the results came back, I was devastated. The Paternity Analysis Report read that the probability of paternity was 0% for both children. The court dismissed the child support and freed me of all responsibilities. Thanks again IDENTIGENE” – Pedro Hernandez.

And while Pedro might be happy with Identigene, the test isn’t cheap. The Legal Itentigene D.N.A. test will run you a cool $399. The Discreet Paternity Test (whatever that means) will hump your wallet dry for $645. Knowing who your baby daddy is from the comfort of your own jizz stained couch and cashing those checks for 18 years? Priceless…

Turntable Cake anyone…?

So let’s face it, the fact that both Sly Stone (who turns 65 today) and Terence Trent D’Arby (46) share a birthday is mildly interesting. Maybe even, sort of interesting. Let Cherrybomb take it to the next level and make it totally bizarre and totally interesting. ‘Cause that’s how I roll.

The Sly vs. D’Arby birthday battle is ON…:

Greatest Recording:

Terence: Introducing the Hardline According to Terence Trent D’Arby (1987)

Sly: Stand (1969)

Advantage: Sly

With all due respect to Sly, The Hardline is a great fucking record. I still have that record and I still listen to that record. Why? Because it is a great fucking record, that why. But as great as Hardline is, Stand is without a doubt one of the greatest records ever recorded. If you don’t own it, your record collection is worthless. And so are you.

Better Etch-A-Sketch Picture:

Sly Etch A Sketch (above)

Terence: You can spend HOURS looking at the Etch-A-Sketchist site and still not find a Sketch of Terrence Trent D’Arby. Ike and Tina Turner. Check. N.W.A.? Check. Bob Dylan? Check. Unicorn riding a Dolphin? Check. Terrence Trent D’Arby? Nope.

Advantage: Sly

Better Hair:

Sly: Funky Soul Brother Fro. Sly also rocked a giant golden Mohawk in 2006 at the age of 64.

Terence: Rocked those little Lenny Kravitz light braids before Milli Vanilli ruined the look forever, less than a year later. Terence also tried out the gold hair look for the cover of his record, Vibrator.

Advantage: Sly. Afroman-Fro beats Bro-Braids every time.

Last Known Whereabouts:

Terence: Milan, Italy

Sly: Riding a custom built chopper through Napa Valley, California

Advantage: Sly. Chopper beats everything, every time.

Better Meltdown:

Sly: After binging on coke for years, sells his publishing rights to Michael Jackson in 1984.

Terence: Announces Terence Trent D’Arby is dead. Then assumes the name Sananda Maitreaya, a name that came to him in a dream. And he writes stuff like this, and THIS on his blog so,uh, you tell me. Not like I need to hear it from you because I’m pretty clear about this one. I just want us all to agree that Sandananadadana Maitrete D’a, awww FUCK. Bitch is crazy. The end.

Advantage: Terence.

Current respiratory status:

Sly: Alive. Really! It’s true! Fro beats Braids!

Terence: Alive and crazy. Seems to like Apples. Might want to give you an apple. Apple might be poison. You never know. Maybe don’t eat the apple. Just take the apple, don’t make eye contact, and say thank you.

Advantage: Sly

Honestly, I never meant to imply that Terence Trent Sananda Maitraya D’Arby was even in the same fucking ballpark as Sly musically. But, they were born on the same day so there you go. Sly might not be as spry as he once was, but he would out-funk Terence whateverthefuckhisnameisnow right out of funkytown any day, right into tomorrowday.

Who will be honored in the next Cherrybombed birthday? Here’s a hint…it’s CB’s all time favorite rock vox. Look out for that at the end of March.

Joseph Arthur and his sunglasses…

Okay, I added a couple of zeros to that number but still, five awesome releases from Joseph Arthur is like Christmas coming early for anyone who likes great music. Take that Nickelback.

This spring marks the return of maverick songsmith Joseph Arthur with the release of two EPs – the raw, atmospheric pop of ‘Could We Survive’ (March 18th / Lonely Astronaut), followed by the near-techno and wonderfully chaotic ‘Crazy Rain’ (April 15th). Arthur and his own label, Lonely Astronaut Records, will be releasing a series of four EPs this year, leading up to the full-length ‘All You Need Is Nothing’ (August 5th). The final two will be available nationally May 13th and June 24th.

Arthur and his sweet suicide shades are performing at SXSW this week. Then it’s off to Dallas before heading back to Brooklyn for a record release at MOMR. Cherrybomb recommends that you check out JA live any chance you get. And while I would also tell you to pick up Arthur’s entire catalog, you should definitely make time for these four records, right now:

Come to Where I’m From (2000) – Download: In The Sun

Redemption’s Son (2002) – Download: Honey and the Moon

Our Shadows Will Remain (2004) – Download: Can’t Exist

Nuclear Daydream (2006) – Download: Nuclear Daydream and Slide Away

So it’s already that time again. You know, GTFO time. Anyways, Cherrybomb will be DJing a private party overlooking the Space Needle on Friday. I’d invite you, but that wouldn’t make it private party anymore, would it? But don’t despair. There is so much going on this week and this weekend, you won’t miss me. But if you don’t get out, you’ll miss a lot of great shows.

So what are you gonna do? Get The Fuck Out of course…

Thursday, March 13th

Motorhead (!)
Stubb’s BBQ (Austin, TX)
Is Motorhead making an appearance at SXSW this week? If you believe the official Motorhead website, the answer is yes. However, Stubb’s website makes no mention of Motorhead on their music calendar. What Stubb’s calendar does say is that the 3/13 bill includes artists like Serge Tankian, Tom Morello and Ben Harper performing songs from the upcoming movie, Body of War. The soundtrack is due out on March 18th. Public Enemy and Eddie Vedder (who performs with Ben Harper on the track “No More”) also contributed to the soundtrack. The film itself will is screening at Sundance on March 13th at 4:00 pm at The Paramount Theater in Austin.

Vince Mira (formerly Juanny Cash) and The Roy Kay Trio
The One and Only True Messiah
The Sunset Tavern

Friday, March 14th:

The Maldives
The High Dive

Billy Joe and the Dusty 45’s
King Cobra

Saturday, March 15:

Dudley Manlove Quartet St. Patrick’s Day Extravaganza
Nectar

SXSX Seattle Party
The Cops: 1:30
Feral Children: 3:00
The Palm Door in Austin, TX

Schoolyard Heros
Hobo Libido (Record release)
Hell’s Kitchen

Sunday March 16th

Soundbite Seattle

Cherrybomb was at the Rendevoux Room on Saturday night chatting with a bartender about her love for SNB’s Neil of Steel. We then put on the new SNB record really loud, Cherrybomb drank a bunch of Gin then confessed to her lovely bar-mistress that she looked exactly like Kate Hudson, only with boobs. Gin is the best. But it might also be truth serum, so be careful who you drink it with. Anyways, the SNB connection to Seattle Soundbite is that Miss Simona, the hardcore drummer girl for SNB, works at Via Tribunali. To qualify for Soundbite, you must be in a band and also work in a restaurant.

Looking Ahead:

On March 28th, Supernauty, the Seattle Black Sabbath cover band will be at The Blue Moon. Check this vid of Supernauty turning out “Sweet Leaf“. And since I was speaking of SNB earlier in this post, Seattle’s own Miss Simona also plays in an all-girl Black Sabbath tribute band, Mistress of Reality. MOR will play a couple of dates in Cali before jetting off to Spain for the rest of March.

Shadow – L to R: Mike McCready, Rick Friel and Chris Friel

Flight to Mars Annual CCFA Benefit is back at The Box on May 5th. Feral Children are also on the bill. Best of all, McCready will perform a Hendrix trib that will include local rock ‘n’ brothers, Rick and Chris Friel. Both were in the Seattle hair band, Shadow (see big hair pix above). Rick and Chris also played with McCready in the excellent, The Rockfords with Carrie Akre. I love Rick Friel. He has always had the best hair. And every time I’ve seen him play, he gave it everything he had. Which is a lot. Take notes kids. You might learn something.

Speaking of hair, W.A.S.P is in Australia in April following up their recent US tour dates. Yeah, W.A.S.P is still a band. And codpieces with teeth is the new cowbell. Take that B.O.C.

Dizzee Rascal and EL-P will be at Neumo’s on May 19th. It’s still kind of amazing to me that people seem to be finally catching onto EL-P. His 2007 record, I’ll Sleep When You’re Dead, caught lots of people by surprise. Hopefully, you were one of them. If you’re still saying who?, check out EL-P’s “Up All Night“. The combo of Dizzie and EL-P is unstoppable Hip-Hop. With a British accent. Both Dizzie and EL-P play SXSW at The Scoot Inn on 3/13 with Del the Funky Homosapien.

And finally, The Queers will be at El Corazon on June 1st . Tickets are on sale now.

Man…it’s 12:30 on a Tuesday night. Do you know where your Cherrybomb is? All I can say is if you don’t get out, you’ll never find out. So, GTFO already…

Iggy makes an important pit check on the R&R Hall of Fame red carpet

Iggy: Man…what is that smell?

Madonna: Don’t worry Justin. If he tries to touch you, I’ll hit him with this meaningless award they just gave me.

Justin: Man, I’m so HIGH.

Madonna: Justin, did you hear me? Wait…are you high?

Iggy: What is that smell?

Madonna: Shut up Iggy or I’ll start singing…

Iggy: Hey Justin…is this your Mom next to me? I think she farted…

Madonna: I don’t fart. And if I did, it certainly wouldn’t smell.

Justin: Wait…my Mom’s here? Shit! I’m totally high! Hey! Old lady next to me, you gotta hide me!

Iggy: Oh wait…that is me that smells, my bad. Sorry Justin’s Mom.

Madonna: I’m not Justin’s…oh never mind. Justin, take me home.

Justin: Okay. But only if you promise not to sing Borderline in the car again. I hate that song.

Iggy: Did you just say “Borderline“? I love that song! Is Madonna here?

Justin: I didn’t see her. But I’m totally high so you shouldn’t ask me. Wait, I think I smell pizza. Man, I’m so hungry.

Iggy: That’s not pizza man. I think your Mom just farted again.

Madonna: Why did I come out tonight? I should have just stayed home practicing my fake British accent and kicking Guy in the nuts every time he says he wants a divorce. Sigh.

You can see more photos of Iggy and company at Dlisted.

Gene Simmons sans his wig…

I mean Gene Simmons does wear a wig. I mean, Gene Simmons wears a wig, is bald and has an uncanny resemblance to Yul Brynner that I never noticed before. Anyways, I feel so much better now knowing that that poor cat Gene has been wearing on his head can now rest in peace. And, surprisingly, Gene looks pretty hot without that wig and/or cat on his head. But let’s face it, everyone better off without a cat on their head, dead or alive. Just ask Mickey Rourke. That is if you happen to have the brass balls to say something like that to Mickey. If you do, be sure you can run really fast or maybe wear a helmet or something. Because Mickey will totally punch you right in the face. Then he’ll grind your brass balls into brass knuckles and punch you in the face with those (*editors note: stop making fun of Mickey Rourke*).

More pix of bald Gene here. Thanks to awesome blog Dlisted for the link.