It’s been a pretty good year but that doesn’t mean I want it to stick around any longer than it needs to. I’m not gonna lay some trip on you about hope for change in the New Year. The only thing I hope for in the New Year is fewer hangovers. And world peace.

Anyways, here are some good reasons to get out this weekend. Or for you go get off the couch on Saturday night. Besides, couches are for making out on, not sitting on. And sleep? Sleep is for suckers…

Friday, December 28th:

From the North
High Dive
From the North is Shawn Smith and Kevin Wood. FTN released an EP earlier this year, Von Nord, and a full-length on Wammybox Records, The Monument. Wammybox (Kevin Wood’s label) has got some choice Malfunkshun and Andrew Wood swag.

Blood Hag
The Comet

Knut Bell & The Blue Collars
The Little Red Hen
Two show as usual for Knut at TLRH. It’s the perfect remedy to your Friday hangover. Every time.

Saturday, December 29th:

The Earaches
Autolite Strike
The Bug Nasties
The Fucking Eagles
Close out the year with four bands that go BOOM. Team Cherrybomb will close out the year with the most visits to the High Dive ever in one year. Okay, I wasn’t really counting but where were you? On the couch? Again? Whore on a hot tin roof I think you need an intervention. That couch is dragging your ass down. And it’s wider than I remember. Your ass that is. Autolite Strike is on right at 9:00 and is not to be missed so get there early.

The Maldives (acoustic)
The Sunset Tavern

Sunday Night Blackout
Jules Maes

Sunday, December 30th:
Wu-Tang Clan (!)
Cancer Rising
Dyme Def
Furious Styles
Cancer Rising’s “Truckin” is my favorite local jam for this year. Of the hip-hop variety anyway. Hitting this show will guarantee that your New Years celebration will last about 48 hours.

As far as New Year’s Eve goes (or amateur night), you’re on your own. Cherrybomb is taking a little holiday break. Besides, I’m gonna need at least two days to prepare and two days to recover for NYE here in Seattle. Lastly, I want to thank you all for reading. Seriously. I feel you.

See you next year…

Unfortunately, Michael Copps isn’t a candidate for 2008. But if he was, Cherrybomb would sure be voting for him. Below, Copps sounds off about the fascist, I mean Government agency he works for, the FCC.

“Today’s Decision Would Make George Orwell Proud”

Copps is of course talking about the December 18th vote that overturned a 32 year ban of dual ownership of a newspaper and a television (or radio) station in the same city. However, since FCC Chairman Kevin J. Martin has made his screw-you free speech agenda very clear, the largely Democratic opposition to the vote went on the offense. The introduction of s 2332 (co-sponsored by Trent Lott) by Dem, Jay Inslee and Republican congress member Dave Reichert, came less than 24 hours after the hearing in Seattle amid reports that the FCC actively suppressed the submission of information from the public. Translation, people in high places were pissed.

Here, Copps provides us with a first hand assessment of what happened at the Seattle hearing last month:

Put bluntly, those Commissioners and staff who flew out to Seattle, sixteen witnesses, the Governor, the State Attorney General and all the other public officials who came, plus the 1,100 Seattle residents who had chosen to spend their Friday night waiting in line to testify were, as Representative Jay Inslee put it, treated like “chumps.” Their comments were not going to be part of the agency’s formulation of a draft rule; it was just for show, to claim that the public had been given a chance to participate.

Remember, Seattle was only given five days notice for this hearing. Even so, over a thousand people attended the hearing. I was there and I’ll tell you, when people were arriving around 5:00 or 6:00 pm hoping to testify, were told they would have to wait until midnight or 1:00 am to do so. And they waited. If s2332 is passed, it will require the public have 90 days to comment on any proposed media ownership rules submitted by the FCC.

Mr. and Mrs. Antichrist…er, Martin…

Anyways, if anyone is a chump in this game, it’s Kevin J. Martin. Martin is a Bush protege and his wife used to say words on behalf of Dick Cheney. Currently, Cathie Martin (above, right) is helping George Bush say words. Things seem to be going rather well for Mr. and Mrs. Antichrist. Don’t you think?

And, while Copps Orwellian take on this situation isn’t far off base, Orwell didn’t always have such bleak outlook on the future world:

“Speaking the Truth in times of universal deceit is a revolutionary act.”

Now is not the time to be passive. Tell your reps in Congress you will not take Kevin J. Martin’s shit. I’ll make it really easy for you. Now all you have to do is give a fuck for five minutes.

SXSW is one of the hottest tickets of the year. Every year. But it is especially hot next year (which is set to begin in approximately five days people, start hydrating now). Mostly because Lou Reed will deliver the keynote at SXSW in 2008. This year’s nine day festival will also include a screening of Julian Schnabel’s “Berlin”. Berlin captures moments from Reed’s 2006 live stage production of his 1973 record of the same title. Berlin was shot over the course of five nights in a warehouse in Brooklyn, New York. The doc also showcases the talents of Antony of Antony & The Johnsons, who Reed worked with on the stellar track “Fistful of Love” from the 2005 A&TJ release “I am a Bird Now“. Sharon Jones and her velvet voice also made it to Brooklyn while the cameras were on.

A good friend once said “Velvet Underground changed my life“. Everyone should be so lucky.

Without Lou, Jim Morrison might not have worn that puffy white shirt and those leather pants. However, it was Jim’s decision to wear that outfit for three years straight.

Hey Dave…We need to talk…

David Bowie would have had to steal ideas from someone else. The word “Heroin” would just be that thing that killed one of your favorite musicians. You would never pull a James Dean since all you need to drive right is a Valium. And, when it comes to disappearing to the Dirty Boulevard, all you need to know is how to count to three. If Lou and The Velvet haven’t changed your life in some way, maybe you were never really alive to begin with. At the very least, there is something terribly wrong with your ears.

Register now for SXSW badges. SXSW runs March 9th through the 18th.

Happy Birthday to the real captain of the Love Boat. And maybe we should ditch this Jesus birthday thing and just go with EdMass. Then it would be all about surfing, rock and roll and drinking wine. Lots of red wine. And instead of pigging out at the traditional Christmas dinner, we would all get together, dress in black (because black would naturally replace red, green and gold for EdMass) and hold a candle-light vigil for peace. Maybe next year.

Vedder recently put up one of his old axes (1980’s Schecter Telecaster) to raise money to help pay Kim Warnick (of The Fastbacks and Visqueen) medical bills after she underwent multiple surgeries earlier this year.

So I’m sitting here watching “Kissmas“on VH1 and despite the Holiday inspiration that has been laid before me on the flat screen, this list was really hard to do. I went with “singles” because I believe singles are the gateway drug that will lead you to your new favorite band. Besides, the local music scene in Seattle this year was so hot is was hard to keep on top of. Trust me, I know. Anyways, sometimes I hear from a reader who tells me how much they love a band they got turned onto from my blog. And I love to hear that, but this year, I want you to put your money where your mouth is and actually support them, too. Go to Sonic Boom, Easy Street or your favorite local vinyl dealer and buy the music you say you love so much. Even better, get out to see a live show and then pick up the band’s merch at the club. So often, bands are self-distributing their music and other swag themselves. That means sometimes just being at that live show is the only way to get your hands on it and make sure they get to play their next gig. Show the local you love ‘em. Cherrybomb does her part. Now…onto that list I alluded to in the title of this post…:

The Purrs – “She’s Got Chemicals”
Because I used to be a teenage drug taker too. Okay, strike the words “used“, “to“, “be” and “a” from that last sentence and replace ‘em with the words “am“. And no, I’m not changing anything else because I’m really Peter Pan as far as you know. And The Purrs rule. This song has moved into the secret crawlspace of my brain that is generally reserved for Motorhead. The voice of Lemmy inside my head told me he didn’t mind.

Cave Singers – “Seeds of Night”
Peter Quirk’s superb vocals are unexpected because Peter is a guys name. Said voice will haunt you like the ghost named Stevie that rolls around in Lindsey Buckingham’s head. Guitarist, Derek Fudesco (Pretty Girls Make Graves and the late, great boom-swagger-boom of the Murder City Devils) has yet again used his magical guitar powers for good. Make that great.

Blue Scholars – “North by Northwest”
This song is an anthem for the evolution of hip-hop over the last few years here in Seattle and the NW. Blue Scholars know more about that than almost anyone else in the geography we call home. Did you catch them during “The Program” at Neumo’s this week? You had like, five chances, yo…

The Cops – “Them Cats”
I love it when Michael Jaworski says “Them cat’s/They must be smoking crack/Them cat’s/They like to shoot that smack“. Maybe that crazy cat lady isn’t really crazy at all. Maybe she’s just permanently hopped up because all 27 of her cats are junkies. And, even as I write these words from my very own rolling meth-lab, another excellent song from “Free Electricity“, “Light it Off” is the KEXP Song of the Day (12/21). Which means you can download it for free here. On January 16th The Cops play the High Dive with Sunday Night Blackout and Juhu Beach.

The DT’s – “Freedom”
This single will blow your face off. DT’s vocalist Diana Young-Blanchard, in addition to her Janice-like vocal prowess, also looks so good in fishnets you will totally forgive her for that blowing-your-face-off misunderstanding. I know I would. The DT’s are one of the best things to ever come out of Bellingham (WA). And a lot of good things are coming from Bellingham these days.

The Saturday Knights – “45”
I don’t remember how many times I talked about The Saturday Knights on this blog this last year. But it had to be at least 45 times.

The Blakes – “Two Times”
I still find myself wondering when I listen to Garnet Kiem screaming “When I proposed to you/You just laughed“, what kind of girl says no to Garnet Kiem? I don’t even think the most manly man would say no to Garnet. I know I wouldn’t say no. Did you hear that Garnet? Anyways, this single, while not representative of The Blakes self-titled 2007 release, is a total jawbreaker. Now shake for me girl. And for god’s sake, the next time Garnet asks you, let him be your back door man…

North Twin – “Fallin’ Apart”
It was Cherrybomb’s theme song this year, after all…

The Valley – “Come Down”
Feedback RULES. All I want for Christmas is more feedback. Thanks.

Kinski - “Down Below it’s Chaos”
Because this whole record deserves a place in your heavy rotation shelf.

Hey Florida. Guess what? You can now file for divorce online…:

The self-service system is intended for people who can’t afford an attorney or don’t want to spend the money on one.

Who are they kidding. Nobody can really afford a real attorney. And why don’t they have this going in Vegas set up next to the slots? Or as an option in ATM machines? Know what? I bet Pam Anderson has one in her living room. Actually, Florida’s a bit behind the curve on the internet divorce thing. Last year, Washington State (where Seattle resides) served up about 5000 divorces online without either party having to show up in court.

If you can’t get that divorce from your cousin online like you hoped (sorry LA) you can still get all the paperwork going before you go to court. A company called “Complete Case” claims to have the affordable solution to your divorce dillema…:

CompleteCase.com™ is North America’s premier affordable divorce service center. Our simple and inexpensive process will enable you to complete your divorce documents from the comfort of your home, without incurring the cost of an attorney, or dealing with lengthy completion and delivery periods. The total cost is $249.00.

Get a divorce online from the comfort of your own home. While it’s still yours that is. And I think you get a set of steak knives with every online order. Still not sold? Let Complete Case completely mindfuck you into submission. By saving you MONEY…:

A Family law divorce attorney will typicaly charge you $200/hour resulting in a $4,000.00 total fee. CompleteCase.com™ charges you $249 with no additional fees for children, assets or alterations to your case

Your total savings
by using CompleteCase.com™: $3,751.00

Wow…that’s a lot of post-divorce Vegas hooker money. Unfortunately, it turns out I was wrong about those free steak knives. Every online divorce order gets a free will and testament…:

All customers of CompleteCase.com™ now have the option to have a will prepared and stored on our system at no additional cost. This free Last Will and Testament is offered to our customers at no charge because everyone experiencing a divorce needs a will.

Am I crazy or do I just ask “why” on this one. What good is a will when you get left with 1/2 of the nothing you had after a divorce? Anyways, you might have bigger problems. I mean, what if I don’t know where my soon to be Ex is? Can I still divorce them online? CC thought you might ask that question…:

Generally, if you cannot locate your spouse you will need to file the documents provided by CompleteCase.com™ and then file for default. CompleteCase.com™ does not provide service by publication forms or default forms. The difficult documents, those that actually create the divorce, are provided by CompleteCase.com™

So I guess it’s not only easy but totally possible to divorce someone online even if you don’t know where they are. Finally, I can get some sleep tonight. Thanks Complete Case.

Happy Birthday Keith Richards. You are now officially one year away from those sweet Medicare and Social Security benefits. And I’m thinking going from $21 large to $12 a month might not work for you. So save your money. A hit single don’t last forever. Anyways, here is Cherrybomb’s birthday wish for Keith Richards. First, have drinks with Mick and then go to the loo while David Bowie watches. After that, play a sold out, two-hour show in Brazil. Later, after two bottles of Porfidio, promptly fall out of a coconut tree during the third encore. For the fourth encore, proceed to have sex with at least five hot 20-somethings and Patty Hansen. On a Tuesday.

Goddamn, it must feel good to be a gangsta’. Keith is a Man above all men. Seeing the Xpensive Winos back in the day (or 1993) is still one of Cherrybomb’s favorite rawk experiences ever. Keith is the coolest of the cool and the lickiest of any human (man or animal) to stroke the neck of a Fender (and a truck-load of Gibby’s). Keith, I love you more than my own eyes. May your tongue grace the netherworld skin of the perfect virgin on this blessed night.

Cherrybomb Wreckommends:

Talk is Cheap
Sticky Fingers
The XPensive Winos – Live at The Hollywood Palladium

But I guess it really comes down to the FCC fucking us all as today when, in a 3-2 vote along party lines, they overturned a 32 year ban on on ownership of a daily newspaper and a broadcast station in the same market. The proposed change will now go to Congress where it will hopefully be overturned. The vote comes amid allegations that the FCC censored the submission of scientific data regarding local media ownership  at the hearing in Seattle last month.

When this one comes to Congress (and it will happen quickly) make sure you let your local congressional representatives know how you feel. If that sounds really hard or to time consuming to you, go to Stop Big Media.com use their canned message. Or do nothing and get more of this. Or these guys. Or this broad and her humongous diarrhea mouth.

The choice is yours.

‘Cause you know it’s coming. It’s inevitable just like the time you found out Santa was really your Mom’s boyfriend…

Tuesday, December 18th:
Queens of The Stone Age
Blood Brothers
Pretty Girls Make Graves
The Paramount
I know the weather sucks right now but dang, this is one hot show in a great room. Tonight is also night number one for “The Program“. Neumo’s hosts a five night stint of some of the best hip hop from the Northwest. Blue Scholars will play all five nights (tonight with a nine-piece band which kills live). Also sharing the stage tonight are Swollen Members (from Vancouver), Unexpected Arrival, Siren’s Echo and LP action by DJ DV-One.

Thursday:
Pleasureboaters
High Dive
I really need to rent a room out near the High Dive. It would just be easier on everyone. Except my liver. And my ears. Like, I just found out that Grayskul is playing there on my birthday. And I didn’t even ask them to. And whatever you do, don’t confuse the excellent Grayskul (Seattle) with the awesomely bad, Greyskull from Texas. And since we’re jawing about Grayskul, “Bloody Radio” (Rhymsayer – 9/07) is bloody good.

The Valley
Kled
The Sunset
Kled are completely out of their minds.

Friday:
Schoolyard Heros
El Corazon (All Ages)
Man, have you heard Ryann Donnelly belt? Have you heard “Abominations“? You must do both and get your ass to El Corazon on Friday…

Saturday:
Cancer Rising
Blue Scholars
Neumo’s
This show closes out Blue Scholars five night takeover of Neumo’s. Cancer Rising’s EP smokes like the old school but still sounds fresh. Download it here. At least listen to “Perseverance” and “Everyday Bidness“. Then you’ll know how the 206 rolls yo…

The Dusty 45’s Christmas Show
The Triple Door

Seaweed (!)
Kane Hodder
Hell’s Kitchen
Whoh. Seaweed. Nice. Night number two for ‘em at HK. If you caught them earlier this year at Bumbershoot (performing for the first time since the 90’s) you know Seaweed still has the sweet grungy goodness they had back in 1988. John Atkins (bass) also plays in Seattle’s “The Fucking Eagles“. Who are, in fact, fucking excellent. Just like 1988 was…

The Comet X-Mas Bash
The Whore Moans
Boss Martians

Right-O people. I trust you know what to do with this information.

So I’m not even gonna touch the holy war going on between Mitt and Huck right now now. I mean, one minute Mitt’s tearing up on “Meet the Press” this morning. Is this the race for the Presidency or did his girlfriend just break up with him? I’ve seen more convincing performances from statues at 2:00 am. I also think using the word “lethality” is just overdoing it unless you’re playing scrabble. Was this guy really Governor of Massachusetts? How the fuck did that happen? Was election day that year held on St. Patrick’s Day? Because then I could totally understand it happening because everyone is at the bar that day. All day. And then we got Huckabee. Where in the body of Christ to begin…hmmm. How about Humanity according to Huckabee.

Let the “Holier than Thou“, jibba-jabba begin:

“The reason we have so much government is because we have so much broken humanity,” said Huckabee. “And the reason we have so much broken humanity is because sin reigns in the hearts and lives of human beings instead of the Savior.”

Well, it sounds like someone spent a lot of time in Bible Study class. And Bible School. And Crucifixion Bible Camp. Maybe a little too much…:

“I went to Vacation Bible School for all the wrong reasons — I was told they’d give me all the cookies I could eat and all the Kool-Aid I could drink. But that day I got something better than cookies and Kool-Aid. I got the Savior.”

I could say something witty about Jim Jones right now, but that would be too easy. You know, like shooting drunk fish in a barrel with a gun. With a scope. Even though you don’t really need a scope to shoot drunk fish in a barrel. But it sure helps if you’ve been drinking while trying to shoot them fish…

Huckabee also spoke of his early misconceptions as a pastor.

“In one of the first churches I was assigned to, I thought I was supposed to be the captain of a warship leading the congregation into a battle against spiritual darkness. But they wanted the captain of the Love Boat.”

I’d vote for Captain Stubing before I’d vote for Huckabee. I might even go to church if Stubing’s preaching. Besides, if Captain Stubing’s around, you know that Issac can’t be far behind. And that means the bar is open…but I digress in to hopeful territory. Of what a world run by Captain Stubing and the crew of the Love Boat might be like. I’m just saying that Julie McCoy would be a better Secretary of State than Condoleezza Rice. Gopher was a member of the House so he can easily be Vice President. Anyways, let’s move off the Lido Deck and get back to the Promenade for one final word from the pulpit of Huck.

“The most basic unit of government is not the city council, quorum court or state legislature, Huckabee said. “It is Mom and Dad raising kids and teaching them respect for authority, others and God.”

Respect the hand of Huckabee. It’s holier than the bottled water of Christ and nuttier than fruitcake.

And I hate fruitcake…

And when it comes to the red hot hip-hop coming out of Seattle, it’s completely unstoppable. Starting on Tuesday, December 18th, Blue Scholars will take over Neumo’s for five nights. Each night of “The Program” will feature a different combination of Northwest hip-hop artists. Many of whom already head line the shit out of venues in Seattle and the Northwest. And speaking of things that are red hot, Cancer Rising’s performance tonight (12/15) KEXP’s Audioasis gave me a sunburn. In my ears. There is so much hip-hop at Neumo’s next week my head is spinning like a 45 on 78. Here are some of next week’s highlights…:

Tuesday: Swollen Members
Out of Vancouver, BC. You can also see them at the Nightlight in Bellingham on 12/19.

Wednesday: D. Black and Common Market
I love Common Market.

Thursday: The Saturday Knights & DJ B-Mellow

Friday: Dyme Def, J. Pinder
J. Pinder’s “Backpack Wax” is an excellent piece of vinyl.

Saturday: Cancer Rising
Cancer Rising are the kings of the hustle. On January 30 they play the Show at SoDo with Wu-Tang (!) and the High Dive on January 11th with Dyme Def and The Saturday Knights.

Finally, Leonard Cohen gets the nod for the R&R Hall of Fame. The title of this post mostly quote a song (One of us Cannot Be Wrong) from Cohen’s 1967 record “The Songs Of Leonard Cohen” . While this recognition comes light years after bands like Nirvana, Jeff Buckley and Rufus Wainwright paid homage to Cohen by covering his work, the real injustice is that the HOF nod comes nearly 40 years to the original release date day of “Songs” (December 27th, 1967). To get a nomination to the HOF, a minimum of 25 years must have passed since the date of the artists first release…

Field Commander Cohen, congratulations. Your time finally came…

So, I’m not saying any of the tattoos in this entry top the “cunt puncher” one a few days back, but I got some good stuff. Let’s start this with something you might find on Tommy Lee. Okay, that could be pretty much anything, but in this case, I’m talking about lips. And, as with all enjoyable activities, there’s lots of wiggle room for this topic. First, a look at the guy who once topped my skeeze/kiss me you dirty hobo man list, Tommy Lee.

That tattoo on his neck reminds me of those wax lips you can buy at Halloween.

Next up is the actual tattoo on the lips. This trend got pretty played out sometime in the early 1990’s when dentists started “tattooing” the lips and crowns of their patients. I used to work for a guy who had it done – standard set up…kids name on one, some bizarre, tiny skull & crossbones on the other. I mean, you can trick out your toofs, if you want to. You just have to want to.

Don’t believe me? Thinking about doing it yourself? Don’t. Your teeth might end up somewhere other than in your mouth:

What I was really talking about was tattooing your actual “lip”. The ones up top folks.

Now, onto the knuckles. I’m not taking anything away from anyone with a wedding ring tattooed on their finger. With the exception of the aforementioned Tommy Lee and Pam, it seems like a pretty deep commitment. Much more serious than the diamond that seals the deal for most of us. And before you go and get all pissy and say “tattoos on knuckles are tuff” let me get you straight on this one. It is possible to tattoo your punching-bags while drunk. It’s also possible that it won’t come out cool like you hoped. I had a friend in High School named Mike who had his name tattooed on his knuckles. That’s gotta be killing him now. Unless he’s still working at that gas station. As an example, here is some random guy I hope is named “John“:

Next up are two of my least favorite words. In forever form…

And even if your knuckles say so, I still don’t believe you. And, if it is in fact last call, I still don’t want that Bud. Not now, not ever…

It is great to love something. Isn’t it? Tell me man, who looks like Will Ferrell, what is happening between you and that bike? I mean, so you really love your bike. Can you have sex with your bike? Okay, I guess I phrased that last one like a question. Let me try that again. Will Ferrell, since it’s clear you have sex with your bike, is that a turn off for real girls? Or your wife? Never mind, I already know the answer…

For more inky knuckles, check out knuckletattoos.com.

For the closer on Part I, I’m going with an uncanny likeness of the 43rd President of the United States. While I appreciate the idea behind this ink, I’m pretty sure I never want to bump into it’s owner in a dark alley. Or during the daylight…

Ahhhh…the refreshing taste of Christ, plucked straight from a mountain stream. But I want to know more about Spiritual Water. How does Cherrybomb find out more about Spiritual Water? Ahem…from the website of course:

“Spiritual Water features beautifully rendered artistic labels that depictions of full-colored images of holy persons or symbols, with prayers in English and Spanish and/or inspirational words and messages. The Spiritual Water comes in 10 different versions – each with its own uniquely paired message and image. Each time you drink Spiritual Water you benefit from the soothing, appropriate prayers, for added uplifting inspiration.”

It is me or do you think the face of Jesus on the bottle for Purified “J” water (above) is a little too relaxed given the crown of thorns on his head? I kind of prefer the image on the “Balance” water bottle (below):

I presume the “Defense” water (below) in addition to being crisp and refreshing (and a spiritual guide), also wards off Vampires.

These would perfect with that other crap you got at the Discount Catholic Store last week…

Joseph. In the case of you, Mary and Jesus. Joseph, you are NOT the father.

It is also widely reported that Maury gets to bang what’s left of Connie Chung. Okay so Maury Povich back story. Maury Povich has this, uh…talk show. It mostly goes like this; random chick brings three guys to the Maury show in order to determine which one of them might be her baby daddy. Or as (mostly) pictured above.

And while that is mostly awesome and all, it’s Christmas. And since you want this Christmas the best Christmas ever, you will need to buy something for your favorite white-trash friend (don’t lie, you have one. Or several). Good thing you can rely on Maury for that special gift you need. For the favorite ODB child in your life. Show your pride. Or lack thereof…:

And because you always want to remember the third time you met your baby Daddy (since three times a charm) why not pick this cheap as shit t-shirt up. You know, because how else are you gonna commemorate the last time you were totally 100% sure this guy was your baby Daddy?

Comes in pink and blue. Just like babies.

And then there are the “Who’s Your Baby Daddy” shot glasses. I guess you use those when you’re getting liquored up before the show, right? There has got to be so much pressure on you when you’re not sure where your dick has been. And standing backstage at the Maury show waiting to find out where it’s been well, doing shots seems the logical solution to such a situation. Dang…Maury thinks of everything. And always come prepared I say. Like you should have been in the first place. No glove, no love is always the answer.

No matter how hot the hole or situation.

No wait, GNR already did that. At least this ought clear up any confusion or rumors about Fergie’s so called “talent“. Fergie (real name Stacey Ann Ferguson) once called out her critics saying that if they didn’t like her singing, they were really insulting God…:

“I may not have the type of voice you like, but I can sing. You can’t take that away from me, ’cause singing is a gift from God, and when people say I can’t sing, it’s kind of like insulting God.”

That’s it. I am so making that telephone call to Jesus.

I’ll take it. And so will Vick. Preferably right in the trunk..:

In a plea agreement, Vick admitted bankrolling the dogfighting ring on his 15-acre property in rural southeastern Virginia and helping kill pit bulls that did not perform well in test fights. He also admitted providing money for bets on the fights but said he never shared in any winnings.

Thanks to Breibart for the link…

And this photo is just a teaser of something else you will read here soon. Think bad tattoos you saw before but somehow more horrible than before. The word “Teaser” is the industry sister word to “preview”. The younger, sexier sister of the word teaser that is. Besides, I don’t want you to blow your fuse now. It’s almost Monday. And since it’s almost Monday, that would make the day I’m writing this, Sunday. So saying the word “teaser” has got to be some sort of affront to Jesus and that Holy Ghost person I heard about. Okay, you got me…I never heard of the Holy Ghost. Or the day that is called “Sunday”. But that doesn’t mean they’re not real. Just like goblins or Michael Jackson. Okay, any of the Jacksons. Besides, I sleep straight through to Tuesday afternoon most weeks so naturally I have no knowledge or recollection of such things called “Sunday”.

What’s your excuse?

Anyways, for inspiration at the at the gym or on the shitter, get the love on with this parting shot that makes me hate the ass-crack. And I love the ass-crack. Damn you stupid, random chick….damn you and your muffin top to hell.

Okay. I didn’t really mean to say goodbye that way. Here, is the “real” parting. It features this chick from The Central Tavern in Seattle when Ficuss rocked the joint earlier this year. I’m pretty sure she’s washed awhore, I mean ashore by now…

59 never looked so good. Tom’s birthday was 12/7 but I was burning the midnight oil on that Murdoch post so I just missed it…that and the 219 was late. Again…

is named James. James Murdoch just got a big promotion (I love the look on Sky’s CFO on the left). And just in time for Christmas. Now, James Jr. can go and build that pool and have enough money left over to fly Phoebe Cates out so she go swimming every Saturday night while he watches from the all too small bathroom window. If that was my pool (and it verra well might be) I’d never go out on Saturday again. You better be nodding “me too” on this one – I don’t care who you do or why you do them like that. And if you are still saying that Phoebe Cates, wet and topless, is not appealing to you in any way, you sir (or madam) are quite dead.

Anyways, James is the obvious son of Rupert. Rupert Murdoch’s portfolio includes News Corp (who owns you on Myspace). James, 34, was just appointed chairman and chief executive of News Corp’s “Asian and European Operations“. Translation; James has officially been poised to step into his father’s old shoes at some point in the very near, very dark future.

Rupert, Sr. is 76. And despite his alpha-dog status when it comes to media conglomeration, it’s feasible that he could step down in the next couple of years, leaving the reigns to James. A Harvard University dropout. But I guess just getting into Harvard is worth bragging about. Unless your Dad is a billionaire and you’re coat-tailing your way through life.

Because that’s been done before…

So, okay. Here is the stuff you really need to pay attention to. If the Murdoch dynasty is successful (and so far so good on that one), your access to media will change. Especially when it comes to the accessibility of reliable information, and being able to hold on to (what you think is) your own information. The quality and non-partisan nature of information will also change. To what…? Think FOX News on every channel (Murdoch owns FNC). Public or not. Shit, public is barely public now. First up to testify on James’ readiness for his new role, is an analyst from BSKyB (BSKyB is a popular pay-tv set-up based in the UK), that Murdoch Jr. will now head up.

“I was sceptical when he took over. There wasn’t a track record, he was very young,” said Martin Mabbutt, an analyst at Nomura Securities in London, who rates BSkyB ‘neutral.’ “The reality is that the meetings I’ve had with him, he’s very professional. He deserves the reputation he’s got.”

Translation: “I’m scared. It’s cold here.”

And News Corp will be using you to get their message across. Like it or not:

James Murdoch is taking a larger role at News Corp as profit increases from higher affiliate fees at Fox News cable channel and Sky Italia. News Corp is also exploiting MySpace’s spot as the world’s most-popular social-networking website to generate advertising sales.

Well, at least James truly found his “special purpose” in life. You know, fulfilling Old Testament prophecy…:

“May his descendants be cut off, their names blotted out from the next generation.”

Crap…that’s not the one. Wait…here’s it is…:

“May a creditor seize all he has; may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.”

Shit…that’s not it either. However, I’m pretty sure I got it right this time…:

“For he never thought of doing a kindness, but hounded to death the poor, and the needy and the brokenhearted.”

Okay, so that last one was total wishful thinking. And although it’s an accurate biblical reference when talking about world domination, it’s still not quite right. Thank GOD I remembered the rhyme of good old Psalm 109:6:

“Appoint a wicked man over him; may an accuser stand at his right side.”

Why didn’t James end up pumping gas and dodging bullets at some remote 7-11? Damn you Rupert Murdoch. You and your evil spawn.