Bill Murray, Gonzo hedonist!
Jesus’s official website, ChristWire, has called for an international boycott of actor Bill Murray. Comparing Murray to historical serial killers like Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacey, ChristWire says that Murray is almost solely responsible for all of societies ills. I mean, I didn’t like Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties either, but I got over it. Anyway, here’s more of what ChristWire had to say about Bob Bill:
Bill Murray is a murderer of lambs, a despicable hedonist who waves the white flag welcoming the end of American moral and economic primacy. He is a harbinger of our death as a culture, the death of that preëminent philosophy of faith married to capitalism that has saved the world countless times from repression and annihilation. Bill Murray is a fatal disease and the sad news we bring you today is that your children have been infected.a murderer of lambs, a despicable hedonist who waves the white flag welcoming the end of American moral and economic primacy. He is a harbinger of our death as a culture, the death of that preëminent philosophy of faith married to capitalism that has saved the world countless times from repression and annihilation. Bill Murray is a fatal disease and the sad news we bring you today is that your children have been infected.
And while ChristWire wants you to be on the lookout for homicidal maniac sheep murderer Bill “Caddyshack” Murray, you should also be concerned that domestic masturbation and sodomy will soon be on the rise due to the recent extension of unemployment benefits! But it’s not all bad news according to the word of Jehovah. And that’s because we finally have FRICKIN’ LASER BEAMS!
Laser Drone Gun! American Fuck Yeah!!! Behold America’s newest phallic weapon of destruction!
Or Laser Drone Guns as they are called by the United States Government. Finally, laser beams that can shoot down spaceships, Bill Murray, or airborne liberals as they attack! But don’t take my word for it. Listen to the word of Christ! Brought to you by ChristWire, naturally…:
Behold American’s might and glory! Today God has blessed America with a new technology, further proving our role as his chosen country to protect all humanity with our leadership, power and loving edicts for all on Earth.
Today God blessed us to build a laser cannon! In the image, you can see this powerful cannon that can shoot down any missile, meteor or even startship that should pose a threat to America or any of our allies.
Any object moving at less than 186,000 miles per second, the scientific speed of light, shall crash and burn before the power of our space laser.
The power of America grows because God grants us the power to defend not only ourselves, but whoever we shall deem worthy. Let us look upon video of our new deployed technology that will further the peace of mankind.
You know, I generally try to steer clear of the bible-humpers, especially when they appear to be hitting the bad shit right out of the cup of Christ but, the folks of ChirstWire had me rolling all over my mini-Buddha alter with their jaw-dropping expose on the newly crowned, greatest threat to America, Bill Murray. And I needed a laugh! Thanks be to God indeed…
